What.. Uh... How did that...

I always have told people not to piss me off. I don't get mad easily, but I warned everyone that if you make me mad I will have my revenge and you won't even know it.

Receptionist: Hey, Alice, you have a call on line 2
Alice: emmm...
Receptionist: Hey, Alice, you have a call on line 2
Alice: Who?
Receptionist: Lucretia MacEvil
Alice: Huh? (at this point I am concerned, this is an aquintance that I don't really talk to alot calling my work) Oh, this can't be good.
*Alice picks up phone*
Alice: Hello, this is Alice, can I help you?
Lucretia: Did you sleep with Henry? (her boyfriend of 4 years by which she has a two year old)
Alice: Huh?
Lucretia: Did you sleep with Henry?
Alice: No!
Lucretia: Did you sleep with Henry?
Alice: No!
Lucretia: He told me you did! Did you sleep with Henry?
Alice: No!
Lucretia: He told me you did! Did you sleep with Henry?
*Alice is getting very VERY pissed*
Alice: Yeah, sure, since you won't believe a damn word I say.
*Alice sees co-workers watching her and listening*
Lucretia: You fucking bitch you had better called the fucking cops right the fuck now because I am going to beat the shit out of you.
*Lucretia hangs up*dialtone*
*Alice goes and tells Director and Asst. Director that some half crazed woman will probably be over in a few minutes spouting off BS threatening me*
*big boss calls police*
*police come to speak with Alice*
*Alice explains to nice officers what was said and how the crazy woman lives across the street (50 feet away) half the time with boyfriend Henry and 2 year old baby because they can't pay rent and is probably on drugs or something making her wig out*
Officer: What was that name again?
Alice: Lucretia MacEvil.
Officer: Hold on a second, I think there is a warrant out for her.
*officer checks via spiffy walkie-talkie*
Officer: Sure enough! She has one for threatening her boss and vandalizing his office.
Alice: So what can I do about her threatening me?
Officer: Call us if she does it again, but if you see her call us anyways because she has county warrant.
Alice: Sure!
*Alice calls boy-toy, boy-toy is pissed... Henry has been his friend for 12 years and can't stand Lucretia... boy-toy takes off work to take me to the courthouse to file an ex-parte on the stupid Bitch and has to stop off at home first to ensure our house wasn't be ransacked by crazy woman Lucretia*
***********************************
*receive call from home at office*
Alice: Hello? (no more formal greetings today)
Boy-toy: Honey, Lucretia is across the street right now!
Alice: Okay! Watch outside!
*Alice hangs up phone, dials county police, and gives perfect description of vehicle and warrantee and address*
************************************
*Alice calls home*
Boy-toy: Hello!
Alice: Are you watching?
Boy-toy: Yeah... pause... pause... pause.... three sheriff's cars just pulled up.
Alice: Uh-huh.
Boy-toy: She is being arrested!
Alice: Uh-huh.
Boy-toy: She's handcuffed!
Alice: Uh-huh.
Boy-toy: I'll pick you up in just a minute to take you to the courthouse.
ALice: Uh-huh
**************************************
Later on after going to the courthouse and having filled out the ex-parte on said crazy woman (which was denied since there had only been ONE incident of harrassment) I return home to watch as Lucretia has been bailed out by step-father, Henry cussing out Lecretia, and Henry moving all clothing to car and leaving her alone. Recieved call later that night from Henry and his father (owner of house across street) apologizing profusely to boy-toy (I wouldn't accept calls... go figure). Turns out that fathers wife decided to put it into Lucretia's head that Henry had been cheating because fathers wife thinks that he has been. So, Henry and Father have now moved out of their homes with their signifigant others and have filed for divorce and seperation and custody. So, looks like fathers wife with her bright idea has now made her and Lucretia very lonely people! Bet they wished they hadn't made that call to me yesterday morning! And best part, Lucretia didn't know that I had had her arrest on that warrant!

I can't help but have that song "All by myself" keep playing in my head.

Halloween for Pets!

Halloween for Pets!

Chili!

As the weather out side gets colder and colder I look to the world of bloggers for the very best and very easy of Chili Recipes!

If anyone out there has a Chili Recipe that is excellent and relatively easy to make would you send it on my way?

What your computer does after hours

Computer fun

Holy Sheep Shit... I think it worked.

Ohhhhh, Alice has learned something new!

Dusty... big fat gracias!

Dam Beavers are Anti-Stupidity

This is Hilarious!!! This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of
Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter

(This is the State's Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

** Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While
I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you
choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their
dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their
dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable
to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than
I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are
concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may
be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam
staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your
dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

HNT VIRGIN TILL TODAY!

I have a cold, I am going home early. Sorry to see that the cards couldn't keep it together... but the game last night sucked ass! Talk about dissapointing!

And now for your amusement:

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!
______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and he couldn't understand why his system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________

they walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

Have a WONDERFUL WEEKEND EVERYONE!

Carlin on Hurricanes...

Payroll day, I'll keep it short but funny.

Hated to see the cards loose (again).

>George Carlin on New Orleans

>>This pretty much says it:
>>
>>Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about
>>the bullshit going on in New Orleans . For the people of New
>>Orleans ...First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With
>>that said, Let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an
>>earthquake, we know it's coming)
>>
>>#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the hell out.
>>Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they
>>hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out...
>>if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear
>>it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
>>
>>#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and
>>non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's
>>fault you're starving.
>>
>>#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.
>>(Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them
>>alone.)
>>
>>#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave
>>your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to
>>get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave
>>during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take
>>their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
>>
>>#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then
>>complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save
>>some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.
>>
>>#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your
>>belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If
>>someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll
>>die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans , find a voodoo
>>warrior and put a curse on them)
>>
>>#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar
>>house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money
>>shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You
>>wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live
>>below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.
>>
>>#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al
>>Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the
>>Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans ;
>>(Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government
>>didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been
>>coming out of an ice age for over a million years).
>>
>>#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This
>>is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta
>>work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring,
>>get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually
>>working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not
>>what your country can do for you, ask What you can do for your
>>country."
>>
>>Thank you for allowing me to rant.

Cleaning out my inbox

My box needs cleaning... take that comment as you see fit.

Trying to get rid of things in my email while I debate searching for another job. I hate the idea of going to a new job... I have my own office, I have my own computer (hence the blog), I hate not being loyal to a company, but this place is a joke...

Yadda Yadda Yadda...anyways...

Good Business Lessons......Read and Learn
>
>Corporate Lesson 1
>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
>shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
>one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
>herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
>stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says,
>"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking
>for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
>After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but
>excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and
>goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
>her, from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor,"
>she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the
>$800 he owes me?"
>Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
>prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>Corporate Lesson 2
>A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
>stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
>her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
>had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
>stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately
>said: "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and
>apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear,
>he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said: "Father,
>Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the
>flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
>meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the
>priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go
>forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
>
>Corporate Lesson 3
>A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are
>walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
>Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
>three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!"
>says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
>without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me
>next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
>the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and
>the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to
>the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
>lunch."
>Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>Corporate Lesson 4
>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
>the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
>long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the
>ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped
>on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very, very high up.
>
>Corporate Lesson 5
>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
>top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
>"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
>"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
>found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch
>of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
>second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched
>at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
>the turkey out of the tree.
>Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
>you there.
>
>Corporate Lesson 6
>In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens, knowing that it must outrun the
>fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up
>knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to
>death.
>Moral of the story: It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a
>lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.

Rat's Life Lesson #1
two guys in the woods when a bear appears:

Guy #1 says thay should try to out run the bear.

Guy #2 says they're not fast enough to out run a bear.

Guy #1 says he doesn't have to be faster than the bear; just faster than guy #2.

WHAT??????? BAD CALL UMPS!!!!!!

Yes Rat, it was a freakin' plane "cabin" the man was in and the plane hit the side of a mountain, I swear, you take all the fun out of this.

Either way Cards whipped the Astros Asses last night at 5 to 3.

GO CARDS!

The real travesty is the minute my Cards game was over they FOX network switched to the Angels Vs. WhiteSox game in the ninth inning and here is what I saw:

Angels Dissect Umpire's Disputed Call

Angels, White Sox Offer Different Perspectives on Umpire's Disputed Call That Led to Chicago Win Chicago White Sox A.J. Pierzynski, right looks back at homeplate umpire Doug Eddings as Eddings make a non call on a pitch as catcher Jose Molina heads to the dugout eventually flipping the ball into the infield during the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 2 of the ALCS at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago, Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005. Pierzynski ran to first to set up the go ahead run as the White Sox beat the Angels, 2-1. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)
By ANDREW SELIGMAN AP Sports Writer
The Associated Press

CHICAGO Oct 13, 2005 — Los Angeles Angels catcher Josh Paul had no doubt he caught the ball cleanly. So he rolled it back toward the mound and headed to the dugout, thinking A.J. Pierzynski had struck out to end the ninth inning. One problem: Pierzynski wound up safe at first base.

That was a super-bullshit call! Anyone care to argue the fact?

Current Status with a Riddle

Good Tuesday loving blog viewers!

First off... GO CARDINALS!!! I hope they beat the Houston Astros! Let's see if Dusty takes my bet. I would love to see the LA Angels Vs. The Cards for the series!

I am currently reading the Harry Potter series (yeah, I know I will get some shit for reading them) they are a really cute series of books, kinda reminds me of C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. Don't anyone spoil any of the books for me, I am now on the fourth book Goblet of Fire.

My back is killing me today... I was fine, got up, took a shower, headed out the door with the boy-toy to go to work, sat in the car and now my lower back is killing me... If I sit it hurts, but if I stand it feels fine... to bad I have a desk job, I think I would rather be on my feet today.

5 Aleve down
2 800 mg Ibprofen down
1 Oxycodone

Watched a couple of good movies over the weekend. Assult on Precinct 13 was excellent and the I inside with Ryan Phillipe was pretty good too. I will try to post a little blurb about both later today.

Plot Summary for
Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)
On New Year's Eve, inside a police station that's about to be closed for good, officer Jake Roenick (Hawke) must cobble together a force made up cops and criminals to save themselves from a mob looking to kill mobster Marion Bishop (Fishburne).
Summary written by IMDb Editors
It's New Year's Eve in the city of Detroit. Cop-killing killer Marion Bishop (Fishburne) has just been arrested and is being transferred to prison. However, the transport bus is forced to stop because of the weather, so they stop for a while at the soon-to-be closed Precinct 13. Among the few people inside Precinct 13 is Sergeant Jake Roenick (Hawke), a cop who hasn't done any field missions in eight months because he feels guilty about the two cops that were killed in the mission. Not long after the prisoners are locked in their cells, Precinct 13 is assaulted by men in white gear. The police try to get a hold of other precincts, but the lines have been cut. The officers inside Precinct 13 believe that the men are Bishop's men coming to get him, but they soon find out that they are rogue cops trying to kill him. In order to survive the night, Precinct 13's inhabitants will have to unite and fight.

Plot Summary for
The I Inside (2003)
A man (Phillipe) awakens in a hospital not recalling the last two years as he begins to find out things from his past he discovers his ability to move from the year 2002 to the year 2000. By doing this he meets a link between the two time periods (Lang).

Riddle for everyone: A man is dead inside a cabin on the side of a mountain. How did he die? You can ask as many questions as you need, I will post the answers right under this riddle so you don't have to scroll through the comments to figure to read the hints. Good Luck!

It was not an avalanche
The Cabin did not fall down
no serial killer
not suicide
not death by a gun
no bears ate him either
The cabin did catch on fire after the man was dead.
The man did not die of natural causes
He did not freeze in the ice age.
The man is certainly not faking death, in fact he has a few broken bones as well.
The cabin did collapse. But he was dead before that.
The cabin did slide down the mountain a short distance, but the man was dead before that.

Come on guys, ask some good questions!

Hint: focus on the cabin

Megan has a really good riddle posted today too. Maybe Rat should try since he already thinks he has mine figured out.

SMACK!

I could watch this for hours.

Human for sale

I am worth $1,356,980 on HumanForSale.com

Men, who needs 'em?

Great. My boyfriend has a "school yard" bully. My thirty year old boyfriend is being threatened on a daily basis by other contractors on the jobsite. We will call said contractor-Man A (for Asshole of course) Man B and Man C are two crusty bastards that work with my boyfriend.

See, long ago in a galaxy not to distant was my boy-toy (age 21) and Man A, Man A and boy-toy were aquaintences and needless to say did some tearing up of the neighborhoods (brawling with others, bar fights, hitting on women) typical manly yet stupid men stuff.

Well, Man A had a girlfriend that he thought(I am guessing in some drunken state)would be great if boy-toy had sex with her... thinking that hey, she would probably enjoy it.

Needless to say, boy-toy and girl have sex, boy-toy and girl's girlfriend have sex, Man A watches all proceedings getting a kick out of it.

Now, 10 years later, Man A and girl are married... apparently girl has slight crush on my boy-toy, and now Man A and boy-toy are working on the same site. Owner of site says that if he hears anymore arguments or name calling he will fire someone.

I'm guessing it is boy-toy for being the low man on totem pole.

Men ruin lives.

Mel I am coming over to your side!

cleaning out my inbox...

Cure-Alls and Facts

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair-I WILL NEVER TRY THIS!
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see
the dead skin and blackheads
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar On it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures
at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jell-O!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid To clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent
section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon Plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam Will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in
your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and
watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar !
26. Body paint - Crisco Mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the
microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color
of your choice!
27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, Soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky Will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt And watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener
and the static from the Bounce Towel will cause the baked on food to adhere
to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, Soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate Toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, It will also remove grease stains from the
driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- Sprinkle and let stand for
24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin,
Or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered
which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness?

Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?
Monday,Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie.

They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red, Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow.

So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow,
Monday through Saturday.
Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting.
I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist
ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You
learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with
the right color on the day you are shopping.

Cleaning out my email

Remember Maxine from the Hallmark cards... thought these were funny.

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with
me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't
care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!



The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint, you are probably dead.