Dam Beavers are Anti-Stupidity

This is Hilarious!!! This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of
Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter

(This is the State's Letter!)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

** Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While
I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you
choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their
dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their
dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable
to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than
I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are
concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may
be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam
staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your
dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS