Entertaining Pics

I received the following pictures in an email today with the caption "last photos taken..."

Enjoy!

Entertaining Pics

Entertaining Pics

Political Bovines

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English..
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

On a Lighter Note

I saw this on a blog somewhere and stupid me forgot to copy and paste the originator of this list. So, sorry if I couldn't/didn't give credit where credit is due!

My comments (of course I have to give them) is in the parenthesis.

Zan and Megan should be able to agree with a few of these!

If you grew up in Missouri like I did, some of this just might hit home.
Growing up in Missouri

1. You've never met any celebrities. (But Brad Pitt and John Goodman were born here)

2. Everyone you know has been on a "Float Trip,"

3. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags. (my family we to Silver Dollar City once in Branson... two words NEVER AGAIN)

4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. For example, "Well, Webb City's only 20 minutes away." (I honestly thought everyone did that)

6. Down south to you means Arkansas.

7. The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" only means one thing.

8. You know several people who have hit a deer. (Yeah, Several)

9. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end. (uh, disagree on that.. only the inbreeds do)

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. (‘Cause half the schools don’t have heat)

11. You know what "Party Cove" is. (Wanna get nude and party…. Go there) (sidenote an entire girls gone wild was taped there)

12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. (no AC in the schools either)

13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What High School did you go to?"

14. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. (the electric company loves you for it)

15. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." (eh, doesn’t make it smell any better though)

16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. (certainly do, do you?)

17. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals. (I plead the fifth)

18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of day.

19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" (I thought everyone that was American did)

21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. (or Beer)

22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should. (Yeah damn right you should)

25. You went to skating parties as a kid. (Every Saturday… and this was on roller skates not those silly inline skates)

26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. (or a raincoat and snowsuit combo)

28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports.

30. You think I-44 is spelled and pronounced "farty-far." (St. Louis only.)

31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.

32. You think that "deer season" is a National Holiday.

33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia, and Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City,
and the Warrenton Outlet Mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis.

34. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.

35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

36. You've said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity." (It is fucking true windchills make a difference in the winter and so does humidity in the summer).

37. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Football.

38. You know if another Missourian is from the Boot-heel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle or Western Missouri soon as they open their mouth.

39. You know that Harry S Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri.

40. You failed World Geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Paris, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri. (And they are!)

41. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. (Believe me it’s a son of a BITCH)

42. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL" means. (Good food, just gotta learn to DUCK)

43. You actually get this and forward it to all your Missouri
friends (Yes, yes I am)

It Just Keeps Getting Better

In accordance with yesterday's National ID idea here is some more of BIG BROTHER WATCHING.

Bush the Yuppie Bastard and the Anit-Warrant

Okay, I have 15 minutes to type this damn thing... otherwise I think Dusty will remove my head with a pic-axe for not doing what I promised.

So, let me get this straight. I will lay it down simple easy to follow steps.

A cop wants to bust a "bad guy".... cop needs a warrant... cop attains warrant via a judge... cop goes and searches "bad guys" house etc.

This is what having constitutional rights does. It allows people continue to have a right to privacy, but if needed through the proper channels we can search those properties.

Now, again in simple to follow steps.

Bush wants to bust terrorists... Bush bypasses warrant.... Bush eavesdrops on calls that may/may not have a damn thing to do with terrorists... Bush has caught no one.

Did I get that right? So, if you are President of the United States you have the ability now to use and abuse the constitution (that you are suppose to uphold) at will. Great. What is next Bush gets to eliminate the Supreme Court Justices so that he can sentence criminals how he sees fit?

Yeah, I understand why we should get rid of assholes trying to eliminate our country and the people in it. But do we need to allow assholes inside the country to eliminate the constitution that is the foundation of our entire country?

Do we cut our nose to spite our faces.

My opinion... NO!

Please... Give me yours.

National IDs

Have anyone out there heard of this? This is the first for me.

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING

The Saga of Lucretia MacEvil and the Psycho-Bitch

Oh worthy blogging fans. A blast from your past readings and my past situations has been revisited. These include new characters and all new fun like knives, a mental institute, missing money, a cop, rehabilitation, a pair of pajamas, talking tv's, poisioning brother-in-laws, and cracks in the walls that declare wars.

To get yourselves psyched up for another fun filled adventure down the rabbit whole with your dear Fantastic Alice I would suggest catching up on the fun you have already missed.

Part One of Lucretia

Part Two of Lucretia

Part Three of Lucretia

Lucreita MacEvil-Henry’s girlfriend and mother of his child. She doesn’t work, she lives off the welfare system and she may have some serious jealousy issues. Possible crack-head.

Henry-Loser boyfriend of Lucretia who tells me that supposibly him and Lucretia are no longer together (but they do still shack up so they can get some wild monkey carnal sex thing going). He is also the son of Carl.

Psycho-Bitch-Wife of Carl. Step-mom of Henry and Lucretia’s main cohort. Also, the star of today’s story.

Carl-Father of Henry. Husband of Psycho-Bitch. Pretty good guy, wears his heart on his sleeve but doesn’t really ever seem to understand the extent of stupidity that he hangs around with (see above).

We open with a loud BANG

Alice: What the fuck was that?
Boy-Toy: Fuck if I know…
*Alice and Boy-toy go running outside of apartment to find the neighborhood Psycho-Bitch across the street throwing lamps, shoes, a small aluminum cabinet outside her front door screaming on top of her lungs*
Alice: What do you think is going on?
*Carl comes walking out of the house and starts up his van, then sees us watching and comes over to talk*
Boy-toy: Hey, what’s going on with your old lady tonight?
Carl: Oh, she just decided to take a butcher knife and cut her wrist… it isn’t anything major, she said that the cracks in the wall told her a war was about to happen and to prepare herself.
Alice: Huh? War of huh? Wait, What?
Carl: Yeah, she said that for months now the TV has told her that there is a war coming and now the cracks on the walls are tell her to prepare herself.
*Thunk* a arm chair comes out of the second story bathroom window*
Alice: For someone who just cut her wrist she seems pretty energetic.
Carl: Yeah, it was only a tiny scrape but she said she has to go to the hospital so that someone can see all the terrible things people are doing to her.
Boy-toy: what kind of things are you talking about?
Carl: Oh, she thinks that my brother has been putting arsenic in her food, little tiny orange crystals so she won’t eat a damn thing. Hasn’t eaten that I have seen for a week now, I know she is, she just won’t eat in front of anyone.
*We then here screaming of Psycho-Bitch waiving around pajama bottoms in the front window telling Carl not to go fucking boy-toy and myself or she was going to tell the police to arrest us.
*Carl screams back, well according to you I’m not even your husband and your kids have been replaced with robots now shut-up, stop throwing shit around and sling blood all over the place you stupid cunt.*
Alice: Um, maybe we should just go inside, besides, you have to take Ole’ Psycho-bitch to the hospital right?
Carl: Yeah, it’s her bright idea. She didn’t fill out her medicare paperwork so I will have to pay this out of pocket.
Boy-toy: You do know that if you take her to a hospital they are just going to end up admiting her to the psych-ward.
Carl: You think?
Alice: Yeah, and a lot faster, clearer, and better than she does. They are going to keep her for at least 96 hours.
Carl: Well, I had better round her up and we will see what happens.
****************************************
Monday Night Carl comes home very late sans Psycho-Bitch
****************************************
Tuesday Night
*Carl comes over to my house after talking to my boy-toy out on the street*
Alice: Hey Carl, care for a beer? *I was hoping he would so that I can find out the current dish on the Psycho-Bitch*
Carl: Sure, if I can take a shower first.
Boy-toy: Sure, come on over when you are done.
Carl: No, I mean over here…(he looked a little sheepish) The Psycho-bitch let the phone, electricity, and water get shut off today.
Alice: Wow, how the fuck did that happen? (Alice uses the word fuck a LOT)
Carl: Since the little incident with my wife, Lucretia, and you happened I had’t been staying at the house much…. Been over at my brothers but I had been giving her my checks so that she can pay rent and utlitlies. She kept the money and hasn’t paid anything in two months… including rent.
Alice: Boy that sucks monkey ass. Sure, you can come on over and take a shower. (anything to get the damn gossip.
*Carl eventually comes back over, takes a shower, and the three of us have a few beers before Carl begins giving us the real info about across the street*

*Now, bear in mind Carl, Carl’s brother (yeah, the one she thought was poisioning her), Carl’s sister, and Psycho-bitches two kids have all been trying for the last eight months to get her to go to a psychologist*
Here is a rough explantion of what happened:

After the initial Lucretia MacEvil fiasco here a couple of months ago both Carl and Henry split from the dwelling across the street to live with a myriad of people and homes so as not to confront the crazy woman that they had relations with. Apparently since then Lucretia has been living with her daddy an hour or two up north but has been making it a daily habit to call Psycho-Bitch and putting ideas in her head that Carl was fucking me, my boy-toy, the lovely young couple in the duplex next to me, and his co-worker. Needless to say Psycho-bitch thought this all to be true. Also, as everyone is beginning to find out Psycho-bitch has been hording money (that no one can actually find) because she hasn’t bought things in weeks. There are jars hidden under the bed with m & m’s color cooridinated in the different jars. Psycho-Bitch has been admitted to the mental ward for the next three weeks as well as having to go to 3 months of rehab in Kirksville. Evidently she had been spending money on drugs (apparently cocaine and meth) in order to hear the tv better. According to what Carl told us the doctors had told him she is a paranoid schizophrenic (uhhhh, derrrrr) and that the tv has been talking to her for years and that certain comercials have been telling her what happens outside the house with her family… that she was safer inside and that the tv would keep her uptodate with the goings on with the outside world. Also, the cracks in the walls evidently are able to breathe and they whisper to her constantly about wars and affairs and what people are doing to her and behind her back. She had also taken her son out of school for the last few months so that she could train him to listen to the subtle messages being received from the tv so that she could have him stand beside her when the war comes.

Sheesh, and I thought I had issues?

Carl is suppose to come over again tonight.... hoping to get more info... will keep you up to date!

Stay tuned for the continuation of part four. I promise it will be a doozie of a good time!

Aw nuts..I have been tagged..

My Dearest Dusty tagged me last week to do this and I am finally getting my worthless ass around to doing it! It shall take the rest of the day to complete (ie. adding links etc.)but I hope you enjoy it.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was a sophmore in highschool at Francis Howell in Defiance, Missouri.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Living in the same little duplex with the same boy-toy working the same damn job.

Five snacks I enjoy:
1. Veggies (cucumbers, green peppers, broccoli, christ almighty I am freakin’ rabbit)
2. Fruits (apples at least 1 everyday)
3. Baby Ruths (those are one of my favorite candy bars)
4. Dark Chocolate (screw that milk Chocolate shit)
5. Saltines and Salsa (strange eh?)

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics: Who cares about songs, I know albums!
1. Anything by Led Zepplin
2. Anything by Pink Floyd
3. Anything by Tool
4. Anything by NIN
5. Anything by AC/DC, CCR, Fleetwood Mac, Sublime, Stabbing Westward etc. etc.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire: Only a million..geez
1. Buy my Mom and Dad their dream home anywhere they wanted (other than near me)
2. Pay my nieces and nephews colleges funds
3. 69 Dodge Charger-sassy grass green please!
4. Visit Ireland, Amsterdam, India, and Egypt
5.

Five bad habits:
1. Smoking cigs
2. Never doing anything for myself because I am to busy with #4
3. NEVER picking up after myself (I have gotten better over the years).
4. Fixing other people’s problems
5. Having a quick temper.

Five things I like doing:
1. Reading Reading Reading Reading Reading…
2. Having Sex.
3. Saying something so completely random to someone just for the look on their faces.
4. ROAD TRIP through the country
5. Going to antique malls and trying to find first editions!

Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:
1. I will never buy a wedding dress
2. In agreeance with Dusty dearest… spandex!
3. Gold Jewelry (I am a Platinum kinda girl thanks much)
4.
5.

Five favorite toys:
1. My personal library
2. My boy-toy
3. My cat Whimsey
4. My DVD player with 200 piece DVD collection
5. My blog

Ok...that's it! Now comes the fun part: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

afrindiemum
waitress dreams
Friday Fishwrap
Moments in Time
Down The Rabbit Hole

Granted you don’t have to do this, but remember I WILL come after you and hang you up by your toe nails upside down by a large oak tree and proceed to tar and feather you!

Megan
Paul
Scott
Rat
Zan
The Phoenix
September

Alright Folks, lets see what your answers are!

SUSHI 101

I WILL CONVERT YOU!

I have added a new goal to my life… I will eat at every sushi bar in Missouri, then the midwest, then the entire United States. Yep, I think that is feasible.

As you may or may not know, I LOVE sushi. It is almost an addiction. My parents raised me on the stuff. I was always taken to hibachi grills as a child… The chefs new me by name and actually watched me grow from kindergarten and into college. Needless to say the chefs enjoyed serving the little blonde haired american girl all the raw fish she could eat because if the little girl could eat sushi so could the big bad business men with money. I was a hell of a sales gimmick for them.

Even now Zan and I go out for Sushi once a month. We try to get other co-workers to try it. It is insanely fun to get new people to go to a Sushi bar. But, as I have found out there are a lot of people who are just plain nervous, so I am making a SUSHI 101 comprehensive guide to sushi bars. Oh, Zan, Rick REALLY wants to go with us later this month... he dug it.

I have found this to be a helpful site.

Vocabulary:

bento boxes-remember the cafeteria trays in school… all the nifty little dividers that seperated your veggies from your chicken fingers and pudding? Bento boxes are exactly like that, it holds all of your food in separate little compartments.

So you're sitting at the table, and the waiter gives you your order along with some green paste, some thinly-sliced pink stuff, and a bottle of dark mysterious liquid. What is all this stuff?

nigiri(-zushi) -- pieces of raw fish over vinegared rice balls
sashimi -- raw fish (without rice)
wasabi -- Japanese horseradish-The green paste. Grown only in Japan, finely-grated wasabi is pungent and guaranteed to clear your sinuses. Because fresh wasabi is very expensive, cheaper powder and paste alternatives are often used. Many people mix some wasabi into their soy sauce, but this is only proper with sashimi and maki sushi. Even though wasabi is given for nigiri sushi, it is not supposed to be used. This really only holds true at the bar; feel free to use wasabi to suit your own tastes out of the chef's view. The most important thing to know about wasabi is that it is VERY HOT and VERY SPICY. Only use a tiny, tiny dab. But it is great fun to get a "newbie" to try the "green gum."
gari -- vinegared ginger-The thinly-sliced pink stuff. Used to freshen the mouth between bites of sushi, pickled ginger root comes in numerous small and incredibly thin slices. It is eaten with chopsticks (hashi) and essential for cleansing your palate between eating different types of sushi.
shOyu -- soy sauce-The bottle of dark mysterious liquid is essential to eating sushi. However, the sushi should not be soaked in soy sauce. The rice will fall apart, and the soy is meant to complement, not overwhelm, the flavor of the sushi. With your sushi will be a small dish where you can pour the soy Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. and use it for dipping. Pour as much as you think you will need, keeping in mind you can always add more. It is poor form to fill the dish like a wading pool.

OH, and if you SUSHI TASTES LIKE FISH... LEAVE... GOOD SUSHI NEVER EVER EVER HAS THAT FISHY SMELL... AT THAT POINT IT IS BEST IF YOU STEP AWAY FROM THE SUSHI!

My favorite Nigiri
Keep in mind a lot of Nigiri is actually cooked! Like the tako-it is steamed!
hotategai -- scallop
ika -- squid
ikura -- salmon roe
sake -- salmon
tako -- octopus

California Rolls are always a safe bet. They usually have avacado and crab meat rolled in rice and seaweed.

The standard protocol in America is to start a meal with miso soup, a clear broth with floating kelp and tofu. From there, your tastebuds will enjoy some assorted sashimi (the fish pieces without the rice). But first, place some wasabi in the soy dish. Be moderate; you are paying for the taste of the fish or topping, not the taste of the wasabi. Then it's time to move on to the sushi. While there is no specific order for eating the various kinds of sushi, the maki should be eaten first, since the crispness of the seaweed does not last long after touching the damp rice. Before the nigiri sushi is eaten, the soy dish should be changed. Unlike maki sushi and sashimi (which require chopsticks), nigiri sushi should be eaten with the hands. Grip the sushi from the top, then flip it so that the rice is on top. Dip only the topping into the soy sauce, and always place the sushi in the mouth so that the topping meets the tongue first. Most of all, remember that you're not eating hot dogs at the ballgame; sushi is far more expensive, and should be savored as a delicacy.

Wherever you go, try going for lunch. Most places will have a lunch sushi special that will include several pieces and a roll for $8 to $10. It's a good way to get your feet wet without spending a fortune. Try the Miso soup and a ginger salad for starters. The Gari and the ginger on the ginger salad are a kind of taste you have to learn to appreciate… as a kid I thought it tasted like lysol… it is an aquired taste ‘cause now I LOVE the stuff!

Want to impress the chef?
Always ask the chief what's good, and let him pick for you. This shows you respect the chief, and he in turn will respect you by giving you a good cut. It also wouldn't hurt to reply in a few japanese phrases.
Start with assorted sashimi, with wasabi in the soy dish. The chief will prepare a plate with veggies, which can be eaten along with the fish.
When done with the sashimi, ask for a change of soy dish. No wasabi should be placed in the dish, since wasabi is already between the rice and the fish. Now you're ready for sushi. Again, ask the chief for the picks of the day. He will look at your plate to see how well you are doing, rather than look at you for your next selection. It is considered 'better' to start with tamago or some other vegetable sushi, then open field to eat whatever you want, and close with sashimi.

I would recommend going to a sushi bar with a friend. If there is more than one sushi chef, try to sit near the one who looks to be the most senior chef (he will often be the chef at the far left side of the bar).

When you sit at the bar, a waitress will probably bring you an oshibori (hot towel which you use to wipe your hands and face) and ask you if you would like a drink. Sake is o.k. with sashimi, and is also o.k. before your sushi, but you should have beer or tea with your sushi (since the sake is made from rice, having it at the same time you are eating rice is thought to be redundant - kind of like ordering a side of bread to go with you sandwich). You can also order soup from the waitress. The only thing you ever order from the sushi chef is sushi and sashimi, everything else, including asking for the bill should go through the waitress.

When it comes time to order sushi, I strongly encourage you to tell your sushi chef that this is your first time out. Ask him to help you. They love this! One of my best experiences was my first time out when I did just that - we had a great time, learned a lot, and got a lot of sushi we didn't have to pay for too! If you go this route, you will probably be getting an order (2 pieces) at a time. When you sit at a sushi bar, it is better to place small orders often rather than one large order at the beginning (I think so anyway).
With your sushi you will get a small dish where you can put soy sauce for dipping. Use only a scant amount of soy sauce - as much as you think you will use up. It is better to err on the shy side - you can always add more. It is impolite to fill up the dish like a kiddie pool. Along with your sushi will also be some pink stuff called gari. This is pickled ginger, and is eaten with your chopsticks (hashi) to cleanse your palate between differnt kinds of sushi. There will also be a small mound of green paste. This is a strong horseradish called wasabe. Many people mix some of this into their soy sauce. Do this only if you are having sashimi. It is impolite to use it if you are eating sushi - and yes, I realize they gave it to you with your sushi, but it's still impolite. You see, the chef puts a little wasabe inbetween the rice and fish of your sushi. To then add wasabe to your soy sauce is basically telling the chef he doesn't know the proper amount of wasabe to use.

If you don’t know how to use chopsticks
To eat sushi, I would recommend using your fingers (use your hashi for sashimi). Pick up the sushi from the backside by reaching over the piece, and turning your hand upside down. Grasp the sushi between your thumb and middle finger, laying your middle finger along side of the sushi and not pinching too hard. Pick up the sushi so that the fish is now on the underside. Your thumb, middle finger, and fourth finger can be used to hold it together. Your index finger lays atop the rice. Dip the end of the sushi into the soy sauce - but only the fish part. Try not to get soy on the rice, it will fall apart. Then bring the sushi to your mouth, placing the fish side on your tongue (it's still upside down right?) and the bite it in half.
If you pick up something from your friends dish with your hashi you should turn them around and use the backend (i.e. not the end you ate from). Also, if your chef is doing a nice job for you, you can offer to buy him a drink, sake or beer. This is a nice thing to do, and help build your relationship.

Want to take a “newbie” to the bar?
I also agree...start slowly and sit at the sushi bar....it's very exciting for the newcomer. Let the Chef know that it is your friend's first time...get them involved. I find that most people like Tuna and Salmon sushi. At some point, work in eel....they'll think it sounds disgusting but tell them that it is cooked and not to worry about it. Usually, they like the sweet sauce and they are hooked. Also, if they like seaweed, order some handrolls...they'll think it's cool.

When I go to a sushi shop in an unknown territory, I always speak to the chef at the sushi bar in Japanese and ask what's good today. If he answers in Japanese my questions to my satisfaction, I eat sushi there. However, the chef does not understand my Japanese, then I always avoid such a place. I do not mean being biased, but I have to play safe. I do not want to eat sushi prepared by a chef who has never been raised with sushi in the past, but started a sushi shop because of its popularity. So far I have never been caught in surprise. Regarding the safety, sushi made of fresh fish caught in a temperate zone ocean is normally free of problematic parasites. Salmon is always salt cured and frozen first to kill parasites before it is used. Generally avoid any fresh water fish, e.g., carp that tend to have more serious parasites if you would like to prepare your own.

The best way to impress an itamae is to be inquisitive, honest, and interested in the food and dining experience. Ask him what he would recommend. You can throw him a few Japanese expressions that he may appreciate. A few are:

Arigato - Thank you. (Arigato Mr. Roboto-hehehe, couldn't help it Bruce)
Domo - Thank you, not as polite as arigato. Domo and arigato can be combined ("domo arigato") and then become a more polite form of thank you.
Domo arigato gozaimasu - A very polite form of thank you, said while engaged in an activity. One can also say "domo sumimasen."
Domo arigato gozaimasta - Another very polite form of thank you, said after the meal or activity has concluded.
Dozo - "Please."
Gochisou-sama deshita - "It was a feast!" (Traditionally said at the end of a meal)
Hai - "Yes."
Konichiwa - Literally "this day" but colloquially meaning "hello" or "good day."
Oishii - "Yummy" or "Delicious."
Okonomi - Ordering sushi a few pieces at a time.
Omakase - "Chef's choice" meaning whatever the chef would like to serve you.

Lots of people like to eat of each other's plates when experiencing death by sushi. When you pick something up from a friend's dish, make sure to turn the chopsticks around and use the backend, not the end you ate from.
A note on chopsticks: even if you are uncoordinated, you should try to use them. A fork and knife will seldom be found at a sushi bar, and even if they are, using them is akin to saying that the meat is tough. Do you want to insult the chef? Go with your hands if you have to. Some restaurants may have you finish the meal with a bowl of miso soup, rather than serving it at the beginning of your dining experience.

Do you all feel enlightened?

News of the Weird

I love this column by Chuck Shepard. I have seen it in papers across the nation.

For Dusty and Scott's Interest

Move over Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwartzen... however you spell his name.

Apparently you just need a little fame on your side to have interest in political venues.

Must Be Something In The Water

Never met the sisters, but my brother's first knocked up girlfriend lived their... they must be some fertile turtles I tell you what!

Sidenote: My niece was also born in St. Joseph's Hospital in St. Charles.

Revolutions, Revelations, and Resolutions

Another year has come and gone my friends and once again I have used a holiday to get drunk and review my skew on life.

I was drunk, needless to say after three bottles of wine my boyfriend and I had consumed as well as several bourbon balls to myself.... my reflections were more or less hysterical.

I need the bourbon ball recipe... now that was good stuff!

So, after waking up Sunday afternoon with a mild hangover I reviewed my 16 resolutions for the 2006 calendar year and I had to quickly narrow it down to a few that I could at least survive with.

Now I want to see which ones hold out the longest...

1) two cups of coffee a day, and no more.
2) eat breafast everyday
3) excercise once a day for 30 minutes
4) a dollar a day into my savings account
5) no more eating after 9:00 at night
6) no more than 10 cigarettes a day
7) pay off old debts
8) finish my collection of short stories I have written
9) get to places on time

So, what were your resolutions?