Do I Make You Happy?
That is the question I am going to pose to the boy-toy when I get home. I think our relationship is going south. I have had only two boyfriends in my life. The first showered me with attention and attentiveness but we were both immature and we had our issues but he left and other than the fact we no longer spoke to each other (until recently) it was an easy split for me. No confrontation, no real animosity. Some hard feelings but we just, well, split. This relationship however, is a different story. Boy-toy is the anti-touch, he doesn’t hold hands, he doesn’t hug, and he only kisses me when we leave each other. Sex is great, but that is about as emotionally attatched that we get. He is (in his mind) never to be blamed for things because they aren’t his fault. His entire family is like that quite honestly. None of them do wrong, just other people screw up. They don’t think of themselves as perfect, they just don’t think of themselves as the problem. Ironically boy-toy calls his own brother out for these faults, but doesn’t see them in himself. I have asked the boy-toy to come with me to therapy sessions, I am quickly denied with the comment, “ it isn’t really helping, it only makes you worse and I can’t stand being around you anymore.”
Nice huh?
He just doesn’t like that I just accept his nasty comments and constant cutdowns anymore without retaliating (verbally of course). But as for us leaving each other it would be really hard. Yes, I understand very well that I could and probably should just get up and leave, come back and get my stuff at a later date. However, I know that boy-toy is VERY vindictive. If I just left, all my stuff would be absolutely ruined. Besides I don’t really want to take the cowardly way out and actually handle this in a mature fashion. I just don’t know if he can do it.
I love him dearly. Always will. That is the way these things go. But, I just don’t see us ever being “happy” we have our moments when we are but the seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I know I deserve better treatment and according to him all I do is annoy and bother him. I am stuck between rock and a hard place. I don’t want a bad sitatuion to get worse. I don’t want to just drop my entire life (the little life I have) to leave. I WILL NOT move back in with my parents! I don’t have to money to just run. I want to either talk and work things out (and he HATES talking) or I want what we have to be over. I just don’t know how to go about doing either with out upseting him. His temper is extremely nasty, we both have been in several verbal and physical fights in which neither of us come out on top, just incredibly embarresed the next day and apologetic… but, a few days later when we both say we won’t argue and fight again we start over.
Sigh. What is an Alice to do?
There once were a few men in my life that treated me like a queen. Back in the days these nerdy funny boys would wait on me hand and foot. But that was when I was young and before anyone understood what it was liked to be seriously attached. Would a person want to be with me? Would I be able to find the right person or is just like I always thought and that no one is ever truly happy in a relationship or I just need to deal with my problems in my convoluted ways I always deal with them.
Crap. Sigh. Life sucks.
posted by FantasticAlice @ 6:46 AM
9 Comments:
Of course you will.
YOU ARE A LEGEND
Wow. That's rough. It sucks. And I so badly want to give you all the right answers and the best advice, but I have no fuckin' clue what you should do. On the surface its really simple: Leave because YOU DESERVE BETTER. But nothing in life is ever simple, and I know you have a lot of history and a lot of feelings there.
But you do deserve better. I think if he can treat you the way you deserve to be treated (like a queen) that's fantastic, but if he can't he needs to get lost.
Sending you virtual beer vibes, chips, salsa, hugs, prayers, good thoughts, and anything else comforting I can think of.
Aw. I'm sorry Alice.
If you want my opinion I would have to say that your in a very negative and unloving relationship. I don't want to judge boy-toy lus I don't know him. I'm sure he has his good points.
But I was in a relationship somewhat -a lot like yours now. He even told me thatI was walking on egg shells with him and I still 4 years later couldn't tell you what I did to make him angry at me. When I decided to break it off with him I realized how abusive he was to me. (There were more thing -a lot more things but we won't go there. This is about you.)
Anyway. In the end I met and fell in love with a great guy who loves me and treats me with respect the way you deserve to be. So even tho it's such a cliche, follow your heart and do what is going to make you happy.
That sucks. I've worried, since my first visit. No so much by what you've said or not said.
The "living unhappily in..." line (even if it was meant jokingly at some point) seemed to me to bear some sad truth.
Like Meagan, I wish I could give you advice. It is one thing to be looking in without all the facts & emotions and quite another to be deeply vested, and scared to think what it would be like to change. there is always that nagging hope that it could be better, etc.
I wish I had better and more encouraging things to say. Good luck with which ever path you choose.
Where's the update, woman? You're my soap opera.
I'm curious too. Alice wasn't too happy on Thursday but she seemed to be truckin' along nonetheless. I hope she's alright.
Truckin got my chips cashed in. keep truckin, like the do-dah man
Together, more or less in line, just keep truckin on.
Arrows of neon and flashing marquees out on main street.
Chicago, new york, detroit and its all on the same street.
Your typical city involved in a typical daydream
Hang it up and see what tomorrow brings.
Dallas, got a soft machine; houston, too close to new orleans;
New yorks got the ways and means; but just wont let you be, oh no.
Most of the cast that you meet on the streets speak of true love,
Most of the time theyre sittin and cryin at home.
One of these days they know they better get goin
Out of the door and down on the streets all alone.
Truckin, like the do-dah man. once told me youve got to play your hand
Sometimes your cards aint worth a dime, if you dont layem down,
Sometimes the lights all shinin on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been.
What in the world ever became of sweet jane?
She lost her sparkle, you know she isnt the same
Livin on reds, vitamin c, and cocaine,
All a friend can say is aint it a shame?
Truckin, up to buffalo. been thinkin, you got to mellow slow
Takes time, you pick a place to go, and just keep truckin on.
Sittin and starin out of the hotel window.
Got a tip theyre gonna kick the door in again
Id like to get some sleep before I travel,
But if you got a warrant, I guess youre gonna come in.
Busted, down on bourbon street, set up, like a bowlin pin.
Knocked down, it gets to wearin thin. they just wont let you be, oh no.
Youre sick of hangin around and youd like to travel;
Get tired of travelin and you want to settle down.
I guess they cant revoke your soul for tryin,
Get out of the door and light out and look all around.
Sometimes the lights all shinin on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been.
Truckin, Im a goin home. whoa whoa baby, back where I belong,
Back home, sit down and patch my bones, and get back truckin on.
Hey now get back truckin home.
Get the hell out of that relationship now. Every minute you spend in it is a minute you could be investing in your new wonderful future with someone who is not self-deluded. Whatever it takes.....GO NOW.
Best to make a surgical quick cut.
In 5 10 15 years you will most likely leave anyway. (After giving the best of your youth to someone who doesn't appreciate it)
RRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
I know exactly what you're talking about. He can do no wrong. His family thinks everyone else is to blame. I am in the same boat there. People like this put themselves up so high on a pedestal and have that "holier-than-thou" attitude. It's never their fault, and they need to blame someone else for everything that goes south just to make themselves feel better. People like this would rather shit on someone else, even if they know damn well they're in the wrong, to not have to ever apologize and admit they're wrong. This is a battle my husband and I have been fighting since the beginning of our relationship. I am not afraid to admit my own mistakes, and I thought taking the high road sometimes would help my husband learn a few more social skills by showing him that I'm human. After all, don't we learn from our mistakes? Still, he is this way, as is your boy-toy, and we women are forced to simply deal with it.
I really hope you figure something out soon. This is not a good way to be. It doesn't disupt my life as much as it used to, but it does still happen from time to time. One thing that helped in my husband's attitude changing was moving away from his parents, the people who raised him and taught him to talk down to everyone and think he's better than everyone else. His family used to really interfere with our relationship, and I nearly divorced him twice over it. But, after nearly 7 years together (almost 6 of those years married) and two children and one more growing in my belly, I have taken charge. He may not realize it, but I do have the upper hand at the moment.
Alice, take charge. You can still make him think he's in charge (it works out easier if you do, but only if you can stand his ego thinking so highly of himself), but there are ways of getting a man to change. This is where we women get the adjective of being manipulative, but it works if you act all innocent and make him think otherwise.
Or dump him if you don't think the relationship is worth saving or working on. No woman NEEDS a man in her life. We can be happy on our own. You deserve to be happy. Put yourself first for a change and do whatever you want to do, and don't worry about what he will think. If he doesn't like you taking charge of your own life, then is he really worth it?
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