Down The Rabbit Hole

“"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” “She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)”

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Trials and Tribulations of Alice

Been sick, been busy, nothing really more than that. I have had a cold for the last two weeks... it is finally working its way out of my system now.

The psycho-bitch across the street is back at home (oh joyous day for me) as well as lucretia MacEvil. Apparently her and her beau have reconciled... not without first riding themselves of the dilapidated lincoln town car with the busted shocks into the yard across the street that already is home to 3 full size vans, a nova, a corvair, impala, buick skylark, and tracker, and mercury something or nother and bought a 92 thunderbird with missing liscence plates, grille, and front bumper... Monday night Lucretia burns out 'bout midnight in the thunderchicken (which minutes later the cops go crusing by looking for the culprit of the rubber marks) and returns three hours later to throw two trashbags (full of clothes cause the trash bags kinda did this distentigrate on impact thing, and a fairly nice leather coat are all thrown out of the thunderchicken (while in gear-of course). The next day Lucretia is back across the street with psycho-bitch hanging out together (which gave them the bright idea to annoy me last November the last time they hung out together sharing the same brain). The lights in every room in the house has been on for four nights straight now. Hmmmm.... maybe rehab AND a mental institution aren't going to solve their issues.

Oh, and my new duplex neighbor... fucking Billy Badass. Yep, Billy Badass, my new neighbor... sheesh... I am stalling 'cause I gotta collect my thoughts on this guy.

Brief Summary on Billy. Billy is my landlords 22 year old adopted son. Billy was adopted at age 17 by landlord. Billy Badass and Billy Badass' Twin brother went into the army at age 18. He got out of the army in December So now I have this ungodly immature retired cannon fodder fucking up my nightly routines at home. In know all of you are thinking... oh, Alice you sexy thing don't let him bother you, he served his country... This guy drives me BONKERS! He always has his radio up so loud it shakes our living room floor, why so loud you ask? Because he has to hear his living room stereo from out in the garage where he is operating a god damn SKIL SAW! Haaa.... He brought his little dog too... acutally a REALLY big dog that will NOT stop barking at the cars or anything else for that matter that goes past our house. Last night as I was purusing through a magazine I heard this TONK TONK TONK of a hammer hitting metal... I waited for the voices to subside and retreat to the front of the dwelling... and there is a lovely green tarp hanging across the end corners of the fence. I figured he put it up for his dog since it was suppose to rain/sleet/snow in the next few days. Anyways I take MY dog out since finally he took is dog in to use the fenced in area... and to my surprise underneath the tarp is a dead gutted deer (this is 12:30 at night by the way) no wonder my dog went ape-shit and started gnawing on a hooved foot. Talking about scaring the shit out of a girl. Billy Badass came out after I had my near fatal heart attack when I came around to the front of the house to go inside and tell boy-toy what I saw.

Billy Badass's explanation of deer carcass? "I hit it in my eclipse earlier tonight when I came home from the bar... so, I decided to gut it to process it." "Hope it didn't scare you." "I was going to get a new car anyway, my check from the army should get here in a few days".

Alice's reply. "Wait till there is a horses head in your bed."

Exit stage left.

I swear to vishnu that I am getting a digital camera at some point to show you people pics of these things I speak of.

19 Comments:

At 3:45 PM, Blogger jeffro said...

finally, the return of alice!

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Erin said...

Oh Alice, how I have missed you and the tails of your nutty neighbors. I'm sorry for your pain, but damn girl, that was too funny!!

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Erin said...

tails? I'm a freaking dumbass. I meant TALES not TAILS!!

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger Scott said...

I loved that sad, but true tale of a poor girl named Alice and I loved it! I want more ...

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger none said...

funny...
glad to hear you're still alive although annoyed by the idiotic happenings of your neighbors.

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger Jay Noel said...

Sounds like typical Missourians to me. I bet you wish you could get out of there, escape down some other rabbit hole.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

You do quite a good job describing them so I think we all have great visuals of the wacky neighborhood.

Thanks for making me feel much better about where I live.

Freaky crap.

I read the other day that more Afghanistan (U.S.) vets have died since returning home in motorcycle accidents than have died there in battle. Apparently, they're coming home & need that adrenaline high and are just out of control. Sounds like it's going to get worse before it gets better.

My point? If he doesn't change his midnight drinking, sawing, music cranking ways soon, start to look for new digs. Being the landlord's adopted son and all, I don't think he'll be forced to change. Complaints by you will likely result in mysterious power & water outages.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Wow. I think the chicks across the street would have already made me consider moving, but then add GI Joe with his drinking and sawing and apparently no courtesy or logic, I would be running screaming for somewhere new...

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger JM said...

This sounds like something out of "My Name is Earl". I can't believe you have to live it.

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger Zan said...

Ahhhh, what a breath of fresh air...to hear about Alice and her zany adventures. :)

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Reminds me of my neighbors, mullet head on one side and snake charmer on the other. Why do bad neighbors happen to good people?

 
At 2:03 AM, Blogger paul said...

good to hear your voice again!

i will check out that book asap. i love olson scott card and i haven't been enthralled with a book recently.

do get a digital camera! outside of your given reason even. they are wonderful and you take so many more pictures if you have them since you aren't wasting film ever.

digital cameras as opposed to analog cameras promote spontaneity, freedom, etc.

and! i am glad that you "believe in magic" haha.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Kurt said...

the hell with a digital still camera. get yourself a video camera and start submitting this shit to one of those wacky video/reality/let's laugh-at-the-idiots TV show.
You have some winners living there that should be exploited for your gain.
I'm thinking you and boy toy will be buying a house pretty quick with the award money.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

oh
my
fucking
god..

does this shit ever end? Are you like the only one with an IQ over five on the whole friggin block?

You either buy a camera and film this as was suggested..or start looking for a new place..personally however, living among the short bus riders is interesting..as long as you own a gun and aren't afraid to use it..seriously..I know your pain..but your neighbors are much funnier than mine..mine are just felony dumb.

Sometimes the cost of lodging overrules the neighborhood..at least thats why I am thinking you stay there..its cheap?

I enjoyed this story..I had a cocktail whilst reading it..and promptly spit part of it on my monitor when I got to bad ass billy and his dragging home road kill...PRICELESS!!!!!

I love you Alice :)

 
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As the song goes, "Alice, sweet Alice"...git yer ass outta there girl! Either that, or buy an AK-47 for protection.

BTW...I saw a nice little story about your "quaint" little town on 48 Hours on CBS last night, about the Kent Heitholt murder. I even saw Tony Messenger on there. Strange, strange story...

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Come be my neighbor!! I promise I'm not psycho. . . usually.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

by the way you don't have to wait for an earthquake if you want to come witness "the big one"

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger FantasticAlice said...

Jeffro-Good to be loved.

Erin-Thank you much, eventually I find my pain amusing too, but I think I sadistic for it now.

Scott-You want more, you get more.

September-Keeps things interesting at home.

Phoenix-You have no idea how much I want to move back to St. Charles.

Rat-I am currently trying to think up ways to mess with his mind. This morning I superglued his mailbox shut.

Megan-Still screaming....

Angel-Strangely enough that does sound like an episode from that.

Zan-always a comfort, I am here for your amusement.

Fuzzbox-Good damn question! I want answers!

Paul-good to see you are doing well yourself... Yeah, let me know if you liked the book... seriously.

Kurt-hell of an idea... wonder if places still let you rent?

Dusty-In a town with three colleges and sky rocketing rent... yeah, I'm kinda stuck here. But glad I made you enjoy my post... not glad your computer got soaked... actually that depends on the kind of drink it was....hmmm...

Bruce-Yeah, and a lot of us here still don't think that Ryan Ferguson actually did the murder... strange how 2 years later people are now saying they know what happened.

Jenn-You just let me know if you have any vacancies!

Rat-Napalm? I can dream.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Kurt said...

hey alice, jenn emptied her mind last week. does that count as a vacancy?

 

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