Down The Rabbit Hole

Post

2008-06-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

See, I posted... did I win?

Damnit, I don't know what computer to get.

Getting a computer at home...

2008-06-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Then I can actually blog again!

What do I look for in a computer?

What is the best bet?

Best for internet service?

I need ideas!

I wonder if anyone even come by here since I am such a naughty blogger by not posting in god knows how long.....

Alright, Alright Already

2007-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry Lovely People,

FIRST OFF BIG FUCKING CONGRATS MY DEAR ZAN! HOPE IT ALL WENT WELL!

Been busy.

Got an A in my first class back at college! Still looking for a job. Just interviewed at a large non-profit as an accounting associate. However they wanted to speak with my supervisors and the ones that I had last are ass munches (they were only there for as few months before I was subsequently (ahem) removed.) But the ex-director gave a lovely response to them on my behalf (thank god). The house is going well, I have a shower now and the bathroom is done. The boy-toy is gone for the night (down at the lake of the ozarks working on a house, which means he will blow all that money on booze and going to strip clubs) Eh, as long as he pays electric and rent next month I really don't care. I am just going to be REALLY lonely, but, I am resourceful and I am sure I can find something that will help out.

Oh well, off to class!

Just Another Day

2007-09-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Got an interview tomorrow! HURRAY! Thanks for the tips on handshaking Mr. Rat. (for anyone else read previous blog). Its a progressive idea that when managed properties around here need lawn mowing, snow shovel, maintenance, cleaning, etc. Those managed properties call this company and tell them what they want done and the company finds the small companies to do it. Sounded spiffy to me. Thanks also Rat for the tip on researching the place.

Went to the bar on Saturday with the boy-toy, had two drinks a piece and then decided to go play $2.00 on pull tabs, I won $100, so went to the races for free, gotta love dirt tracks.

Got the tub surround.

Just gotta install it now.

Handshakes

2007-09-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

How the hell do you do them?

I know stupid question, you put your hand in another persons and shake it up and down.

Or at least that is what I thought you did.

Apparently not.

Evidently there is some kind of artform to shaking hands. Since I am out and about looking for a job I have come across some doozies.

1. Women shake hands differently than men. Why? I don't know. Apparently I shake hands like a guy. None of that pussy half-hearted limp wristed shit for me.

2. In interviewing processes not only does the Interviewer check to see how you are shaking, but you sometimes they shake badly to see what your reaction is. (crap)

I have got to find a happy medium. Men say my handshakes are fine... women aren't impressed.... I don't really want to hurt them so I hold back a bit.

Resumes done! HURRAY!

Got job hunting is such crap.

Alice's Next Book

2007-09-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

Alice's Must Have Next Book

Okay, so I'm a sucker for the Today Show... Basically because the Boy-toy so enjoys it, I usually am reading but will raise my head up for the occasional "uh-huh, that's nice, honey." However, today I caught this really spiffy What If scenerio of what would happen to the world if mankind suddenly disappeared. I can't afford it anytime soon, but, as soon as it hits my favorite Trade-a-book store (I have so much credit with them it's ridiculous) I am going to get it.

I wonder if the guy did his research on the subject... I'm sure he did, but it sounds like some good reading.

Quiz

2007-08-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

My first quiz is due today... hopefully I do well. I am waiting for information on my fasfa loans... hopefully they get here soon, I SERISOULY NEED a TI-84 calculator. It is amazing how these days the teachers actually insist that you use a calculator to do the problems. When I was younger you were lucky if you were allowed to check your work with a calculator. I am almost being bratty about refusing to get one just so I can actually learn this stuff myself. Ho-hum.

On a lighter note, maybe I will go to a race this weekend. I have seriously tried to cut down on my alcohol usage.... (can't really afford it right now, which ironically makes me want to drink more).

Still need new floors in my house.

Still need a tub surround in my house.

Still literally need a kitchen sink.

But boy, is it quiet over at my new place.

Good Reads

2007-08-27T10:10:00.001-07:00

Southern Vampire Series

Got a little bit of time on your hands? I like the sci-fi-fantasy of vampires, werewolves, witches, and telepaths so I just finished (for the 5th time) the entire southern vampire series. Super fun stuff... tough heroine, fun plots, great dialog, humorous with REALLY steamy love scenes (hey, a girl can always enjoy that. In fact the series was such a hit that HBO is going to have a series with Anna Paquin playing the heroine Sookie Stackhouse.

Great Reads.

Currently reading Dead and Dateless by Kimberly Raye.

Oh, and the Masses Thought I Was DEAD!

2007-08-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, for shame, I have forsaken my dear readers and online buddies. But BEHOLD! Alice is still alive and kicking some ass!

HAHA! What has the dear girl been doing you ask.

1. Bought a house, well, technically it is a mobile home, but I own it, its mine, and I don't have to deal with any of those crazy ass neighbors anymore. However, I still like to swing by to see if they have gotten anymore cars or boats in their front yards.

2. No longer at that fucking hell hole of a job. Technically I was fired for crossing my arms in staff meetings (apparently something that I have done most of my life without realizing it is bad body language), and for giving my opinion when the new director C**T asked the staff for it. It isn't my fault that I didn't take my mind reading wheaties that morning and didn't know that when asked for an opinion you aren't suppose to give it.

3. Honestly, I'm back in college! Hurray. Accounting and Business are the goals... First week of classes are OVER!

Well dearest people I will leave now, and write next week.... the computer lab at this college ROCKS!

FUCKN' A RIGHT

2006-09-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

I am going back go college in January!

HAHAHAHA

If anyone would like to donate to the worthy cause of Alice getting her head out of her ass by leaving monetary donations or pearls of wisdom, well, y'all know what to do.

myspace vs. blogger

2006-09-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

I had to make a myspace to communicate with my sister in laws my space, so, since I am obviously lonely on myspace if you have an account come visit!

There is a new picture of me! Now you want to go don't you!

Stayin' Alive

2006-09-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

Stever Irwin died.... that sucks

Paris Hilton got a DUI.... tart will only probably do 5 hours community service picking up trash in pink overalls on the side of the highway.

Bush admitted we have secret prisons..... was anyone surprised?

I got a raise at work

I received a invitation to my grandmothers 70th birthday party today..... I received a letter from my mother containing my grandmothers eulogy to proof read.... my grandmother is in excellent health

my ex has stopped talking to me (again).... blue moon must be over

my bills are still piling up..... but they are slowly decreasing

my grandmother is giving me a home computer..... Rat dear should be extactic

me and the boy-toy are doing better than ever before

I still hate mayonnaise

still wanting to know what to go into again for college

I will begin classes again in January

I had a gyro for lunch today

I have found that this is an excellent music site

Find Your Muse

2006-08-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

Be an Abstract Artist!

Wanna paint like Jackson Pollack? I found this site (couldn't even begin to tell you how). When you go to the page you will see nothing, just a blank screen. When you start to move your cursor is when you get to paint! Left click to change color. Refresh to start over. I think this is GREAT fun, and when I am talking on the phone in the office it is very calming as I am usually being screamed at over the phone.

Let me know what you think!

Dead Like Me

2006-08-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays are my T.V. night, I put down whatever book I'm reading and watch the Sci-Fi channel beginning at 6:00 for two hours of Dead Like Me than Eureka. If you have nothing better to do.... check it out!

Semi looking official site of Dead

What the Web says:

18-year-old George Lass (played by Ellen Muth) dies when a toilet from the MIR space station falls from the sky and hits her. However, soon she discovers that afterlife really does exist... she becomes a reaper - she helps in catching the souls of people moments before they're destined to die. Then she meets a group of reapers who collect people's souls. The main reaper is Rube (played by Mandy Patinkin), who is always playing smart, Roxy (Jasmine Guy), a reaper with an additude, Mason (Callum Blue), a confused and funny reaper and Daisy (Laura Harris), a beautiful reaper full of mysteries. The other characters include George's family - mother Joy (Cynthia Stevenson), father Clancy (Greg Kean) and sister Reggie (Britt McKillip), who each have their own way to deal with George's death.

Now that she has a new life, George will try to deal with her new job as a reaper and the fact that she is dead. While learining some important lessons, George gets a job at Happy Days, a office leaded by Delores Herbig (played by Christine Willes), a funny woman who is always optimistic and tries to be everybody's friend while leading a perfect life. The other recurring characters include Crystal (Crystal Dahl), a Happy Days secretary that does not talk way too much and Der Waffle House's waitress Kiffany (Patricia Idlette). The only bad move was Rebecca Gayheart's removal from the show. Appereantly, she was unable to renew her contract so her character was sadly written out of the show.

The main description for the show is "funny and morbid". It debated on Showtime in 2003. The show became an absolute hit very soon and some people even payed to view Showtime just to watch the show that everyone talks about. However, just a year after, when season 2 finished, the show was unexpectedly cancelled by Showtime, which was one of the worst moves ever for a tv station like that. Then, MGM tried to sell the show to another station, but the attempt failed and the show was left dead.

Quick Trivia

2006-07-31T09:16:00.000-07:00

Who are the two smart ass old men in the balconey in the Muppet Show?

Look, Its my Neighbor!

2006-07-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

This was in the Friday's Newspaper!

Man allegedly took his child to drug deal

Two Columbia men were in the Boone County Jail today after deputies with the Boone County Sheriff’s Department searched a home on Prathersville Road and allegedly found them making a drug transaction.

Detective Clark Luntsford of the Boone County Sheriff’s Department said in a news release that one of the men had his 12-year-old child with him during the alleged drug deal.

Asshole 1, was arrested on suspicion of distribution of a controlled substance and possession of a controlled substance. His bond was set at $4,500.

Also taken into custody was Alice’s Neighbor. Idiot Neighbor was arrested on suspicion of distribution of a controlled substance, possession of a controlled substance and first-degree child endangerment. His bond was set at $9,000.

Deputies executed the drug search as part of an ongoing investigation into drug trafficking in the county. Items found during the search included more than two pounds of marijuana, some methamphetamine, electronic scales and drug paraphernalia.

He now has a 34,000 bond right now. His wife has been creeping in and out of the house at strange hours of the day and night. I have not seen the son, I wonder if he is now in foster care.

I spoke with the little old lady next door. Next door is a four-plex and she lives in the bottom dwelling… the two apartments on the right are spoken for one by a very nice lesbian college student that well, if I was a lesbian I would certainly go for her. The upstairs by a pair of violent couple (kids, both much younger than myself) who get the cops called all the time for domestic assult. Anyways, the little old lady was telling me how her upstairs neighbor just left because she didn’t like the noise anymore. Um, what upstairs lady…. No one has lived there in over a year. Sure enough Sunday morning the for rent sign went back out front of the four-plex. Was a undercover detective there? Was the neighbors house under surveillance. Hmmmm….. certainly makes me question things when Boy-Toy and I are vigilent about making sure we know all the comings and goings of our little block (I’m not nosy… I’m not paranoid…. I’m smart) and never once did we see ANYONE ever come and go out of that building except the aforementioned.

The Good The Bad The Ugly

2006-07-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

Okay-dokey. Well, the boy-toy and I had a long talk on Friday when he got home. This came down to the good the bad and the ugly.

The Good
When asked point blank “Do I make you happy.” The answer was an immediate yes… I told him to think about it a while and get back to me… three hours later he said sometimes. All this weekend we have made a effort to actually talk about things that bother us and why it does rather than the ususal “lighting of the fuse” to our dynamite so we no longer snapped and just went off on each other. We both brought up things that bothered us that neither of us saw that we did. Needless to say he slept with me all weekend and we didn’t fight. Let us hope this keeps going. He said he would go to the therapist the week after next.

The Bad
I found out that the Boy-Toys work is one of the things that SERIOUSLY stresses him out. He said he didn’t want me to know to the extent of why it bothered him because he didn’t want to stress me out. I told him that I would much rather know what the real issue of his anger was rather than him taking out his anger on me. He said he would work on it.

The Ugly
To add to some of the problems I have found out why Boy-Toy was stressed about his job and didn’t want to tell me. There are two partners who own the business. Partner One is a ego-maniacal twit who is extremely materialistic and money hungry. He loves to flaunt his money and make people (especially his employees) beg (literally) for their paycheck or an extra few bucks. He also takes out taxes (sometimes) but doesn’ record it on the paycheck stub. (I will be calling the BBB later this week). He also is a severe drinker who has dislocated his very young sons arm twice when he was made and the other kids acutally have pissed their pants when he yells. (Never gets in trouble with police, see what money can buy you in this town?) Partner Two is a crack head. Yep, another one. This guy is caught all the time sleeping in closets, or on the roof smoking the glass pipe. Boy-Toys brother caught him one time in a closet with a holster containing a gun, a gun on his lap, two glass pipes and Partner Two was in Boy-Toy terms, “passed the fuck out.” He didn’t wake him. Partner Two would disappear for a few hours and come back to work LIT. Well, Partner One was tired of the homeowner complaing about his partner, (these are SEVERAL million dollar houses we are talking about) tired of his employees complaining since they had to catch up on all his work, and tired of his best friend basically letting him down.

Friday morning Partner One fired Partner Two.
Friday afternoon Partner Two calls everyone contractor and home owner giving death threats if they hire that company.
Friday afternoon Boy-Toy calls Alice and tells her not to go outside because he has received a death threat and rape threats on me.
Saturday morning Partner One calls Boy-Toy and tells him that he was sorry he fired Partner Two and that he didn’t want to, everyone made him. Grow some fucking balls you bastard.
Saturday evening Partner One calls Boy-Toy again apologizing saying it wasn’t actually any of their faults, he is just so upset to have lost such a good friend. Partner Ones wife came home just to be with him and Quote, “ to hold each other in this time of crisis.”
Hope Boy-Toy’s day at work is going smoothly.

HOLY CRAP!

2006-07-31T06:51:00.000-07:00

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! What a long certifiably strange weekend it has been. I am going to type everything up... return my emails to the lovely Rat a one or two to Bruce-y. Boy, I guess I will put everything into sections so you can flip to your interest of my strangely mundane life and read what you want to otherwise all the crap I have to say today is going to be the longest post yet.

First I gotta check out the inmate list of the my county to see who is in there...

Do I Make You Happy?

2006-07-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

That is the question I am going to pose to the boy-toy when I get home. I think our relationship is going south. I have had only two boyfriends in my life. The first showered me with attention and attentiveness but we were both immature and we had our issues but he left and other than the fact we no longer spoke to each other (until recently) it was an easy split for me. No confrontation, no real animosity. Some hard feelings but we just, well, split. This relationship however, is a different story. Boy-toy is the anti-touch, he doesn’t hold hands, he doesn’t hug, and he only kisses me when we leave each other. Sex is great, but that is about as emotionally attatched that we get. He is (in his mind) never to be blamed for things because they aren’t his fault. His entire family is like that quite honestly. None of them do wrong, just other people screw up. They don’t think of themselves as perfect, they just don’t think of themselves as the problem. Ironically boy-toy calls his own brother out for these faults, but doesn’t see them in himself. I have asked the boy-toy to come with me to therapy sessions, I am quickly denied with the comment, “ it isn’t really helping, it only makes you worse and I can’t stand being around you anymore.”

Nice huh?

He just doesn’t like that I just accept his nasty comments and constant cutdowns anymore without retaliating (verbally of course). But as for us leaving each other it would be really hard. Yes, I understand very well that I could and probably should just get up and leave, come back and get my stuff at a later date. However, I know that boy-toy is VERY vindictive. If I just left, all my stuff would be absolutely ruined. Besides I don’t really want to take the cowardly way out and actually handle this in a mature fashion. I just don’t know if he can do it.

I love him dearly. Always will. That is the way these things go. But, I just don’t see us ever being “happy” we have our moments when we are but the seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I know I deserve better treatment and according to him all I do is annoy and bother him. I am stuck between rock and a hard place. I don’t want a bad sitatuion to get worse. I don’t want to just drop my entire life (the little life I have) to leave. I WILL NOT move back in with my parents! I don’t have to money to just run. I want to either talk and work things out (and he HATES talking) or I want what we have to be over. I just don’t know how to go about doing either with out upseting him. His temper is extremely nasty, we both have been in several verbal and physical fights in which neither of us come out on top, just incredibly embarresed the next day and apologetic… but, a few days later when we both say we won’t argue and fight again we start over.

Sigh. What is an Alice to do?

There once were a few men in my life that treated me like a queen. Back in the days these nerdy funny boys would wait on me hand and foot. But that was when I was young and before anyone understood what it was liked to be seriously attached. Would a person want to be with me? Would I be able to find the right person or is just like I always thought and that no one is ever truly happy in a relationship or I just need to deal with my problems in my convoluted ways I always deal with them.

Crap. Sigh. Life sucks.

Borrrrring

2006-07-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

What a boring day. Is everyone else as board as I am? Well, my grandfathers health seems to be slowly declining. He has his cave and surrounding property for sale or looking for quality manager of it. I am pretty interested in the position so I will be going down this weekend to speak with him about it. He can't pay 401 or health insurance... but he would give me as many hours as I wanted, eh, decent or somewhat decent pay, and a free house to stay in (a 70's double wide that looks like a house on a foundation with an acre of land). I am doing my pros and cons list of the sortid deal.

I am doing as my therapist asked and I am actually begining to write a book. I am three chapters in. I kinda like doing the basics with getting the background and little diaglog, lots of character details.... then go back and fill in more information so that If it turns out good I could possibly have a second book after this one.

I am pulling a lot of my life and influences into the story. Believe me the hicks across the street will be included in it somewhere.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

One Red Paper Clip

2006-07-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, I guess anything is possible.

I have a 8 foot silver wall hanging rolex looking clock (picked it up at a gargae sale for $2.00)

Wanna Barter?

Can You Believe This?

2006-07-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

I can finally afford some new clothes! Five finger discount and not penalized for it.

RIGHT ON!

Thanks Wal-mart for being a pushover

Your Weekend Movie

2006-07-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have a staff picnic today... nothing like 95 degree tempetures and persons with disabilites suffering in the heat for four hours. And, pale skinned Alice forgot her sunblock... go skin cancer! Anyways... Friday is my day off (therapy session and mowing my rented yard) so, I am leaving you all with my movie pick of the weekend. Watch it and tell me what you think!

Plot Summary for
Running Scared (2006)

Joey Gazelle (Paul Walker) is a low level mob flunkie who get told to dispose of a gun used for killing some dirty cops. Joey however, hides the gun in the drywall of his basement instead of tossing them in the river. When Joey's 10 year-old son (Alex Neuberger) and his best friend, Oleg (Cameron Bright), witness Joey hiding some guns from a botched drug deal, Oleg steals the gun -- a snub-nosed .38 -- and shoots his abusive stepfather (Karel Roden) with it. Things would be bad enough if the stepfather didn't happen to be the nephew of a psychotic Russian mob boss (John Noble)... who happens to be in business with Joey's crew on a gasoline scam. But now Joey's also got the surviving dirty cop (Chazz Palminteri) from the botched drug deal on his case... and that hot .38 out there on the street, changing hands in an underworld of freaks, pimps, hookers and pedophiles. As well as Oleg, who can connect Joey to the gun. And even if Joey can make it through the night, he's still got to an
swer to his wife (Vera Farmiga)...

P.S. The Cameron Bright kid, he was in Butterfly Effect, Ultraviolet (that movie sucked ass) and LOTS of television... my opinion is this kid has star quality written all over him.

Evening Smirk

2006-07-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

Got this in an email. It says it was originally said by George Carlin... don't know if it is true or not, but it is damned funny either way.

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Just Another Brick In The Wall

2006-07-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sad day in good music.

Foolish Lady

2006-07-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton wants kids... oh god, she wants to breed. Anyways, Alice is in a REAL good mood today. So, in light of Paris and all her possible brain dead offspring I give these pictures in salute to YOU!

Would YOU Hire Me?

2006-07-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

Zan is being kind enough to proof my resume (I can't get those nifty woop-de-do thing on top of my e). Anyone have suggestions on how to make it better?

OBJECTIVE
Position in management, secretarial, and administration that will increase and utilize already well-developed skills and offer advancement in the areas of administrative assistance as well as personnel management, record keeping, and data entry in a stable environment.

WORK HISTORY
November 2002 – Present
Business Name Here
Personal Assistant Services Program Specialist/Administrative Assistant
Assisting persons with disabilities in advocacy, housing resources, and the personal assisted services program. Personally responsible for allocating over 75,000.00 dollars in grant funding for building residential ramps for over 30 people as well as invoicing the grant providers so that money could be reimbursed back to the agency. Served three years on the RampArt committee and personally oversaw the display of 300+ pieces of artwork at the Sid Larson Gallery on the Columbia College Campus during the duration of event. Was in charge 80 consumer case files my first year, 297 case files by third year, duties included ensuring quality of files for all audits. Employee set up for 15-20 new employees a week (included entering w-4 tax exemption records as well as direct deposit and contracts with our agency and the payroll company). Did timesheet imput and payroll for 150+ employees every two weeks. Assisted agency when understaffed with six-line switchboard and forwarding all calls to proper caseworker.

August 2001 – March 2002 (temporary job during business’ busy season)
Business Name Here
Photographer and Portrait Sales Consultant
Photographing church congregations for their annual directories. Photographing one to three churches per week in the Mid-Missouri region. Having, on average, 16 single/family portrait sits a day and averaging $1,115.33 per day in portrait sales. Carrying, assembling and disassembling equipment every at each church. Traveling daily from 48 to 310 miles to and from home.

August 2001 – March 2002 (temporary job during business’ busy season)
Business Name Here
Photographer Detailer
Averaging 38-52 hours per week. Handling professional photographer’s film for processing, checking each proof for correct color, quality check of proofs and prints throughout production as well as completing order for shipment.

February 2001 – July 2001
Business Name Here
Shift Manager
Assist in the interview process of new hires and completing applications and tax forms. Schedule and assist in monthly employee meetings. Managed store moneys daily. Entered daily totals including sales, employee hours, waste management and inventory of stock into computerized data entry systems. Maintained constant awareness of scheduling and inventory reports and work priorities of employees.

August 1999 – February 2001
Business Name Here
Student Supervisor
Simultaneously managing three separate restaurants in a large restaurant strip. Worked in a multi-cultural environment. Trained all new hires in proper customer services, food preparation, and health codes. Completed weekly scheduling of all student hours on computer entry system. Interviewing all new student hires assisting in completing applications and all tax forms. Schedule and leading student employee meetings.

EDUCATION
1999 – 2001 University of Missouri-Columbia, main focus in Psychology and Sociology, minor in Art History

1999 diploma received, general studies from School Name Here High School Defiance, Missouri

COMPUTER SKILLS
Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft Excel, Spreadsheets, extensive Internet knowledge, excellent understanding of most basic computer programs. 65+wpm

AWARDS RECEIVED
Received Employee of the Quarter twice at Business Name Here, this recognition is awarded by my supervisors and fellow co-workers.

Your Morning Smirk

2006-07-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in
my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

Broke, Hungry, Gas tank is dry but dealing with it.

Looks like I will be sitting in patio chairs tomorrow with a few beers watching others shoot off fireworks.

Eh, it could be worse right?

ACK.

2006-06-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

Well My morning sucks ass already. The boy-toy and I got into an argument and I don’t even know why. Basically, it boils down to the fact that he believes me to be an inane idiot a large percentage of a time and I just think he is obtusely moronic.

And we are at a stand still.

Regardless he is refusing to accept my phone calls on his cell and refusing to call me (even thought I asked him nicely via text… “when you are done being pissy and talking about me to your buddies will you call me please.”

Well, maybe not that nice.

Crap.

Alice is about ready to give up all her responsiblities and just up and leave everything. Alice is not having a good day. Alice wants get away from all the little annoyances of the world. Alice is talking in third person (again). Alice wants to just up and leave everything and start a fresh new life. However, the probability of Alice doing this is Zilch to None because she doesn't like no knowing every finite detail of how to just escape.

Joe For President

2006-06-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

JOE ARPAIO IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.

THESE ARE A FEW REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. (OUCH!)

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails. (DOUBLE OUCH)

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

I did in fact verify this on Snopes.

Morning Smirk

2006-06-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

I detest mornings with people. See, I LOVE being up and moving before anyone else in stores or on the road. I like feeling the dew on my bare feet (my preference in the summer) and listening to the birds... hearing the occasional semi on the road driving by. I HATE people in the morning though (actually, it is general principal for me to hate people). What is up with this constant GOOD MORNING schtick they give me. Are they having a good morning? I was till they said it.It grates on my everlasting nerve and I can't explain why. Ask Zan, I instantly turn in to a bitch as soon as I start to hear people and their fluffy happy greetings. My father told me to start telling everyone good morning in a different language than change it up at the end with a derogatory remark in the same language. I guess I will be uping my language skills this morning.... sounds fun anyways.

Brush up on some Swahili or Icelandic.

And now without further (bruce help me out here... adieau)...

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read blogs!

New Look

2006-06-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

What do you think! Any suggestions?

ALICE’S MANIFESTO

2006-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

man·i·fes·to Audio pronunciation of "manifesto" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mn-fst)
n. pl. man·i·fes·toes or man·i·fes··tos

A public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions, especially of a political nature.

intr.v. man·i·fes·toed, man·i·fes·to·ing, man·i·fes·toes

To issue such a declaration.

It is not political, but I don't give a flying fuck.

ALICE’S MANIFESTO

A GUIDE TO A CALM DAY TO DAY LIFESTYLE.

Stop doing people’s things for them. Yes, they probably won’t do as good as job as you, but you can’t fix everyones mistakes and you can’t do everything for them. Stop enabling them, they will insist you do everything for them after the initial help.

You do not need to teach everyone… some people don’t want to be taught anything, they don’t care, they won’t do anything with it. Don’t waste your time on malcontempts (assistance for the word I am trying to get would be appreciated).

Don’t fight everyones battles. You may want to run to the rescue of a loved one but pick your battles, you may be hurting someones pride.

The word NO is not that hard to say.

People have the innate ability to annoy, condescend, and be stupid. Get over it, this is an inherint flaw that mankind has. It can not be fixed. Unless with genocide, and since that is very hard to come by. Deal with it.

If it doesn’t happen, it isn’t the end of the world.

If you want something fixed, do not outline the various ways of correcting it…. Let them figure it out. If you get upset with the final outcome see first passage.

People will argue with you about things… they will disagree. Does this make them wrong? Yes, more than likely. You do not need to shove it in their face they are wrong… it just puts you in a bad mood. Just say Okay and walk away from the situation.

I will add to this ALL day.

feeling motivated

2006-06-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you Scott for this fun idea!

Make your own motivational poster!

Oh, and yeah, those are mine.

Alice's Tattoo

2006-06-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is in the upper middle of my back.

I want an oroborous between my butterfly on my lower back and my celtic not at the top. I am being really picky about my oroborous, it has to be a european dragon, with wings, and arms/legs. I will not do the usual snake or have a tribal one. Got suggestions... bring 'em here.

And for all who think that butterflies are trendy, I got mine for my favorite short story "A Sound of Thunder" by Ray Bradbury. So, bite me. The halo on my butterfly, for someone who will always be special.

I'll have to get a pic of that one too.

your morning smirk

2006-06-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this is Alice in about 50 years-minus the sweet and grandmother part of course.

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said , "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit.

horseshit

2006-06-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

God Damn Bandanas

and for other interestingly strange news

today's life lesson

2006-06-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

INDIFFERENCE AKA NOT GIVING A DAMN ABOUT STUPID PETTY SHIT!

Main Entry: in·dif·fer·ence
Pronunciation: in-'dif-&rn(t)s, -'dif-(&-)r&n(t)s Function: noun: the quality, state, or fact of being indifferent

indifference n 1: unbiased impartial unconcern 2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [syn: emotionlessness, impassivity, impassiveness, phlegm, stolidity, unemotionality] 3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [syn: apathy, spiritlessness] 4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern [syn: nonchalance, unconcern]

Main Entry: in·dif·fer·ence
Pronunciation: in-'di-f&rn(t)s, -f(&-)r&n(t)s
Function: noun 1 : the quality, state, or fact of being indifferent 2 a archaic : lack of difference or distinction between two or more things b : absence of compulsion to or toward one thing or another

Main Entry: indifference
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: disinterest
Synonyms: alienation, aloofness, apathy, callousness, carelessness, cold shoulder*, cold-bloodedness, coldness, coolness, detachment, disdain, disinterest, disinterestedness, dispassion, disregard, equity, heedlessness, immunity, impartiality, impassiveness, impassivity, inattention, inertia, insensitivity, insouciance, isolationism, lack, lethargy, listlessness, negligence, neutrality, nonchalance, noninterference, objectivity, stoicalness, stoicism, torpor, unconcern, unmindfulness

Elie Wiesel:

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

George Bernard Shaw:

Indifference is the essence of inhumanity.

Martin Luther King, jr.:

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.

But there are so many apathetic people out there.... why can't I just occasionally be one of them? I want to go through an entire day and not be upset with trival problems. I don't want to be angry at the cocksucker driving in the fast lane 55 mph instead of 70. I don't want to feel sorry for the little ole' lady at the pharmacy stand counting out pennies to pay for a prescription. I don't want to feel anger and sadness for the attendants that didn't get paid on Monday because a co-worker neglected to hit the "save" button when entering their timesheets. I don't want to be upset when they tell me off.

What is the point when people shouldn't give a damn as much as we do.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Our fundraiser grossed $300.00

Why?

Because we raffled off a computer that we had to pay for with the proceeds.

I have extreme guilt over the fact I was selling tickets telling the donaters the money was going to build ramps at the homes of persons with disabilities.

When in fact we bought a man a computer.

Why kind of ramp can we build for $300.00?

One that goes to a dog house?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone was approved for our program.

We used to decide how much care a person gets by hours.

DHSS decided to change it to 15 minute increments

We just got a fax giving a person 8.2 hours from DHSS

Why the fuck can’t people (especially ones who make more moolah than I do) know how to do their job.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asst. Director-Alice, I won’t be here Friday to take down the artwork (70 pieces) from the gallery and bring it back here. Can you do it.

Alice-Yeah, I guess, I did it last year without even being told to because there was no one here to delegate the responsiblility.

Asst. Director-There wasn’t?

Alice-Uh, no, everyone was having a very merry vacation all at the same time.

Asst. Director-Well, if you don’t want to do it I can find someone else.

Alice- No, I’ll do it, someone will end up screwing it up.

Asst. Director- This isn’t rocket science, it can’ be “screwed” up.

Alice-Yeah, but none of my co-worker are rocket scientists to begin with…. I’ll do it. That way, if they did it and screwed it up I don’t have to clean up someone elses mistakes.

*I think Alice is in trouble today*

your morning smirk

2006-06-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

talk amoungst yourselves

2006-06-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Gay Unions and a Devil's Advocate

Yep, easy subject for me... I'm all for it. Yes, I am sure that this will ruffle feathers, it is suppose to, life ruffles feathers, deal with it.

I also think it would cut down on some of the divorices we have... gays wouldn't have to stay in the closet and marry straight people to live a "normal existence." whatever normal is.

Anyways, the boy toy and I got into this subject last night. I have a family member who is a lesbian, she has a partner, same partner for over 10 years. I am all for gay unions, not marriage persay but all for the idea of the equivilent, just call it something else with the same benefits. Anyways, we went deeper in arguement and went a few notches more. Please take the following with a grain of salt, I do not necessarily believe in the following (or that any of it is right, or that Homosexual marriages are in any way this caliber), but it did raise some questions in my mind. Where do we stop, where do we begin? Will we ever?

If we allow homosexuals to marry. How about the polygamist?

If we allow the polygamist to marry, then do we allow incestuous marriages??

How about marriage of an adult and an extreme youth?

How about if someone wanted to marry an animal??

Please, talk amoungst yourselves, give your opinion, I will not slight you for it, just keep in mind opinions are like assholes, everyones got one so be considerate with yours and don't bash anyone for what they think, if you don't agree, argue a point just don't be a dick about it.

your morning smirk

2006-06-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

My friends all ask me how I like retirement and what I do to occupy all my free time now. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. Its important at my age.

Yo Quero?

2006-06-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is wrong with this lady?

What kind of abuse would you call this?

Bad Chihuahua

what a long strange trip it's been

2006-06-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

My niece was kidnapped by her own mother. My brother, his girlfriend (mother of child number duex) and his two children were walking around Wally-world. Ex-girlfriend (mother of child number une) comes into said Wally-world, comes over and begins coridially speaking with brother. Brother turns to point out something on the shelf to everyone… ex-girlfriend grabs child number one and runs like a bat out of hell out of the store. Brother screams several times she has taken my child she has taken my child…. Throngs of concerned mothers and fathers come running over to intervene stopping ex-girlfriend. Since Wally-world has that code Adam deal, the whole store shut down completely and she was in fact arrested for kidnapping (it was brothers turn for parental rights that weekend) and other misc. warrents. Ex-girlfriend lives in a town an hour away…. Somehow new exactly where my brother and the children were (stalker) and did that stunt. Hell of a lady.

My jaw hurts… and no I doubt it is from giving the boy-toy to many BJs. I don’t know what the hell I did to it, but it has been hurting for two weeks now. I have a strong feeling that I had dislocated it) I can feel it “pop” out of place and move to the right whenever I yawn or open my mouth wide, and it intensely hurts when I chew on anything. I doubt that it is a sprain in the tendon that connects the upper jaw to the lower job just as skosh ahead of where my ear is… (although that option did in fact come to mind). I don’t know what it is, but going on two weeks now I think that I might just need to suck it up and go to a general practitioner (which I don’t have… yet) and see what they say (which will probably be x-rays) or just go directly to the Urgent Care (yes, different from the ER) and just get the damable x-rays done. I think it may be Temporomandibular (TM) Disorders…. Stress related… go figure.

The stupid Fundraiser we hold every year at my shithole job is finally over with. We had a “big-ticket item” of a laptop computer with printer that we sold $10.00 tic

kets for. Needless to say not all proceeds went to what the fundraiser was initially for, instead we have to “purchase” the laptop, then all the leftover cash goes for our ramp building.

God, I am pissing off people left and right today. Fucking A. I am not a babysitter for adults, I am not a gopher, and I do NOT do other people’s jobs.

The crazy rednecks across the street have been notified by the county that they must get rid of ALL their vehicles and assorted misc. items or they will be towed/removed. Today is D-Day…. All vehicles were there when I left for work this morning, we’ll see if they are still there by this evening.
1. corvair
2. mercury zepher
3. mustang number one
4. mustang number two
5. lincoln
6. a boat (a very LARGE boat)
7. nova
8. buick
9. ford van one
10. ford van two
11. ford van three
12. 4 engines that also must go
13. hot tub in front yard
14. two washers
15. one dryer

Tickle Your Funny Bone

2006-05-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

My niece was kidnapped last week from wal-mart, I will write about that later this afternoon, but until then... don't you love suspense!

Stories from Physicians

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths", I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more
than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to
put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above
it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged
lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you
were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Gassers

2006-04-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

What is the price of your gas in your town? Columbia Missouri $2.79!

Gassers

2006-04-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dusty's Fav

Chernobyl Legacy

2006-04-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

This is an awe-inspiring tribute of the Chernobyl Victims 20 years after the reactor blew. I am actually giving you a warning about the video, some of the pictures are graphic, some of what the narrator is saying is tough to digest.

But, why not know what could happen to us if the same thing happened? I live an hour from a nuclear reactor. Do you?

Ruby Starr

2006-04-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

My dad gave me a whole bunch of record albums... under the condition that I digitize his Ruby Starr and the Grey Ghost album. Needless to say I had never heard of her or the band, but after seeing a picture of Ms. Ruby Starr, I think I can see why he liked her.

Anyone give a link so I can hear the music?

Headlines From the Year 2029

2006-04-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes dire ct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Quiz Time

2006-04-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Let us see how well your brain is functioning today. Answers posted in the morning.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Thoughts to live by:

A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying .... "Boy we really fucked this one up."

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

To ignore the facts does not change the facts.

The less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

FUCKING PASTA

2006-04-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, everyone at work is having to bring in a dish tomorrow for our "easter/non-easter/non-religious" party I want to bring a Pasta Salad dish since I stupidly put myself in that category instead of the simple veggie or dessert category.

Here is what I need from you... a quick, simple recipe with NO (you guessed it) NO MAYO!

I have 7 bucks in my pocket and I am sure if I turn over some couch cushions and check in my car I could round up 2 dollars more.

So, give me some recipe advice!

Otherwise I am going to the "in-laws" house to see and have dinner with the boy-toy's Nana who flew in from Maine... an 82 year old lady who still works in the potato fields every day, owns over a hundred pairs of shoes, and wears a white glove when she smokes her evening cigarette.

God love her.... that, fellow readers, is a true-hero!

Whats a Poor Alice to do?

2006-04-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

A co-worker of mine snapped this photo. This is what hit us just a few weeks ago. Believe it or not, that little po-dunk car lot is only 3 minutes from my house (keep in mind I do live in Missouri, every thing is in minutes-not miles). Anyways, my car was totaled out by the insurance company. I bought it back and it basically took 1,500 buckaroos to fix it back up..... its still dented by it runs.

I got tickets to the CRAFTSMAN TRUCK RACE at the Gateway Speedway in St. Louis Missouri April 29. Its a night race (starts 7:15) and ends with fireworks and the Charlie Daniels Bank. Right the Fuck ON! So, watch for me on TV, We will be sitting right before turn one!

They Boy-toy has 16 more days till he is off the dreaded home detention.

Lots to DO, but I will keep up.

2006-04-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

Been busy the last two weeks, ever since the nasty hail storm. I will give a explanantion with explitives (sp?) later this evening... but, my fine friends payroll must come first for the undeserving pain the asses I deal with.

So, to monopolize your time see how your dining skills would be in other countries.
I got 6 out of 11

Dine like a pro everywhere and anywhere

Spiffy Ride

2006-03-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

This ride is the Shit!

Cleaning out my Emails

2006-03-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL - PRICELESS

According to a news report, a certain school in GardenCity, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

This is what happens to redneck hicks when they join AA... they still need a hobby don't they?

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

Fruity Excellence

2006-03-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when redneck hicks go into AA.... they still need a hobby eh?

Julian Beever

2006-03-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

More chalk drawings from Julian Beever. Scroll down slowly and stop at each new frame. Incredible! Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium. Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion.

From the "incorrect angle"

Chalk Art my personal fav.

2006-03-17T09:09:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:04:00.001-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T08:40:00.000-08:00

Chalk Art

2006-03-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

Flies

2006-03-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

Thwap
She always did like that sound.
Thwap
It reminder her of the dull hallow sound of her drunken buddies hitting a water cooler with a baseball bat.
Thwap
Only this time the thwap was the sound of a baseball bat hitting her boyfriends already bloody misshapened head.
Thwap.
“That’s almost a tranquil sound isn’t it honey,” She was speaking to her lover of six years into his dented swollen face. She had loved those bright blue eyes he had, the slightly crooked teeth, his rugged three o’clock shadow although he had shaved late the night before. She had always hated that about him, she would be gone at work all day and yet he would wait to when she came home to shave.
“Obviously you never really like spending time with me did you asshole,” she whispered and kicked him in the stomach hard. He groaned a little and rolled his head to the side. His beautiful blue eyes were getting a little glossy now.
“Well honey you think that this place will start smelling bad soon” she asked. “Eh”. She knelt closer to his head so he could her better even with the red arterial blood that was now crusting outside of his ear. “remember the guy next door who shot himself a few years ago with the 20 gauge shotgun and no one gave a damn? The only reason anyone knew something was wrong was when the fly infestation got so bad around the doors and windows of the apartment someone complained to the city. No one heard the sound of the shotgun blast, no one noticed his car never left the driveway for a month, no one saw the man leave his home for a month. No one gave a damn.”
“Do you think anyone will give a damn about you? Will the flies annoy the neighbors enough to call the city again?
“All I wanted was to be happy with you honey. I just wanted to make you happy but I could never do enough for you. It was never fast enough, done correctly enough, smart enough…. Well, that is enough. Letting you see other women, paying for your vices, bringing home money everything was to make you happy” she screamed. “I gave you freedom to do as you desired and you made me feel like a loser for it.”
The bloody man was curling up in the fetal postion on his side now.
She dropped her Louisville Slugger and lit up a marlboro 100 taking long drags between thoughts.staring at the man on the floor.
Her boyfriends head was now so bloody and bruised she couldn’t tell where his nose should have been in comparison to wher it was sitting on his face now.
“Your still the best honey” she said as she snuffed out the rest of the cigarette on her jean.
She picked up the small metal box, took the keys ring and found the one that would open the grey box, inside the foam lining was a Smith and Wesson 357, her prized possession she had bought when she was 14 from a gun trader. While humming an old nursery rhyme she placed one cartridge in the gun she pulled back the hammer and aimed it straight at her former soulmate.
His cloudy blue eyes registered what was going on, he was crying now.
"Do you think the flies will save you honey?" she asked.
Putting the barrel in her mouth she pulled the trigger.

Weekend Fun.

2006-03-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

Today's horrorscope-note,that wasn't a typo.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) *** No matter which way you turn, you cannot win for losing. You might not know what to do with your frustration. Tonight: Anchor in.

Yeah, let’s get set.

First, if you believe in god or a higher power or whatever than please pray for Zan. She is going through hard times and I adore the chick and hate to see her suffer. Please send your love.

Well I am getting my resume out to some local-yokels, I can’t wait to see what happens now. Anything is better than this.

Saturday on my way to my part-time job (3 miles from my house) I get pulled over by a sheriff. Luckily it was a sheriff I sell booze and cigs to on the weekend so I ended upgetting a ticket for expired tags (departmental policy he said)-they were only 60 overdue (I have to get inspected, but don’t have the cash for the new tires) but at least I wasn’t harrassed and he was REALLY nice about it.

There went $83.00

Fuck

Sunday afternoon I was smaked on the ass by a drunk customer… he ran before I made it around the counter… nothing improves a girls disposition than being smacked on the ass by a man 5 decades older than her.

Lovely slide show provided by the tribune

Sunday night I leave my brew-thru job ½ hour early because we were getting reports of nasty storms heading our direction… tornadoes, hail, etc. On my way home my little buick got pummeled with hail and put a real nasty crack on my windshield and dented my car so it looks like it had been sitting in the middle of a baseball field being attacked by little leaguers. I went to park the damn thing in my garage but NOOOOOOO my driveway was flooded with a few feet of water and my garage had about 6 inches.

So now I am driving around with expired tags… a windshield with a nice spider pattern engraved on it…. And a $500 deductible.

So, how was your weekend?

Random Bermuda Short

2006-03-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

Read all of today’s fucking posts damnit.

And you had better like ‘em.

(insert Rat’s snide remark here)

I think my office is the new site of the bermuda triangle. I have been here for I swear to vishnu going on 18 hours today and it is only 4:00 and I got here at 8:00 this morning (acutally 8:10 if you paid attention to my entrance into the office… but according to the log in sheet 8:00). Not to mention everything here gets lost and everyone here can’t ever seem to find a way home.

I am still needing a beer. Dusty, darlin’ bring me a brewski.

Told You I Was Being Random

2006-03-02T10:09:00.000-08:00

Stare at something in the distance. Okay now hold your arm out and give a thumbs up sign. Now cover what you are staring at with your thumb. Close one eye. Keep your thumb where it is. Open that eye and close the opposite one.

Amazing how a slightly different view will change your perspective

More Odd Random Bullshit

2006-03-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

The Person Above Me. . .
Ms.Jenn was playing a spiffy little game over at her blog so I gleamed it from her. This is The Person Above Me. The rules are simple: I will be first and then someone will say something about me. So you just keep making a comment about the person above you.

Alice always comes first... snicker snicker.

Random Bullshit

2006-03-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

I really think I was about to get the shit kicked out of me if I didn't speak soon.

I wouldn't hold up well if tortured.

So, I'm back in full force

Past Issues with Crazy Psycho People

Billy Badass

Lucretia is now fucking Burn-e.

Harry (Lucretia’s baby’s Daddy ) is still living with Dad (Carl) and Psychobitch across the street. He is seeing some girl that drives a brand spanking new nissan pathfinder. I think I can see dollar signs in his eyes from all the way across the street.

Burn-e is Carl’s good friend from years and years ago. Burn-e comes by every couple years whenever he is released from prison to suck up and hang out with Carl’s until finally he steals enough money or anything else or gets picked up by the cops or burns out.

I don’t call him Burn-e because he burns out… I call him Burn-e because he is literally a burn victim from a methanphetamine explosion in his home from 14 years ago. His face is burned, his arms are burned and according to certain ladies his “unmentionable area” was burned as well. Apparently he wasn’t that smart of a cook. I am pretty damn sure he hasn’t learned his lesson or has stopped any and all extracurricular activities.

And Lucretia is fucking him.

Did I mention Lucretia is 22 (younger than I dear readers) and Burn-e is 46?

Ha.

Oh to be in love with an addiction

Oh, and lucky for me dearest reader apparently Billy Badass has a small crush on me.. either that or he just loves following me around whenever I am alone outside with very little clothing on complimenting me.

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Time keeps on Moving

2006-02-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT THE HARDEST CHOICES IN LIFE ARE THE ONES THAT EFFECT YOU THE MOST.

Do you ever look back on your life and say, “boy,. I wished I could have changed that, my life would be so much better.”

Granted for the most part we all think that. But I don’t want to do that for the major parts of my life. Every year about this time (when spring starts up) I begin to get depressed and think about all the things I could have changed.

Well, damnit, I am to young for that kind of thinking. There is shit in my life that I want to do and I want to enjoy. And like a well set up domino grouping if you get your shit together your dominoes will hit the next consecutive one and your dominoes will fall into place.

Side note: is Domino singular and pluralized is Dominoes? Or is it like pototo/potatos?

Life is like a complicated ballet movement… if you move every step correctly you will end up with the most beautiful routine ever… if you make the wrong move you end up breaking your damned ankle and having to sit out of the remainder of the show.

I personally want my perfect domino/dance recital.

How the hell do I do it though?

How I want my life to go:

*get a better job-to support going back to college-thinking of working for the post-office I found out from a rural carrier that they start out at $15.00 an hour, yes you do have to use your own car but they do pay for all the gas and mileage reimbursement)

*go back to college… graduate before age 30 Interest now in paralegal work

*lease to own a home while working and going to college.

*when I have graduated college work a little longer… find a terrific first time “college issued” job.

*sell leased home to move to whatever area new job is in.

How my life is working out currently:

*Shit job

*3 years of college with emphasis on psychology, sociology, and art history

*renting (although the neighbors are a riot)

Please note that not a single damn part of that had anything to do with marriage or kids (that is a later post Ms. Zan).

Continuing this post after lunch

Trials and Tribulations of Alice

2006-02-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

Been sick, been busy, nothing really more than that. I have had a cold for the last two weeks... it is finally working its way out of my system now.

The psycho-bitch across the street is back at home (oh joyous day for me) as well as lucretia MacEvil. Apparently her and her beau have reconciled... not without first riding themselves of the dilapidated lincoln town car with the busted shocks into the yard across the street that already is home to 3 full size vans, a nova, a corvair, impala, buick skylark, and tracker, and mercury something or nother and bought a 92 thunderbird with missing liscence plates, grille, and front bumper... Monday night Lucretia burns out 'bout midnight in the thunderchicken (which minutes later the cops go crusing by looking for the culprit of the rubber marks) and returns three hours later to throw two trashbags (full of clothes cause the trash bags kinda did this distentigrate on impact thing, and a fairly nice leather coat are all thrown out of the thunderchicken (while in gear-of course). The next day Lucretia is back across the street with psycho-bitch hanging out together (which gave them the bright idea to annoy me last November the last time they hung out together sharing the same brain). The lights in every room in the house has been on for four nights straight now. Hmmmm.... maybe rehab AND a mental institution aren't going to solve their issues.

Oh, and my new duplex neighbor... fucking Billy Badass. Yep, Billy Badass, my new neighbor... sheesh... I am stalling 'cause I gotta collect my thoughts on this guy.

Brief Summary on Billy. Billy is my landlords 22 year old adopted son. Billy was adopted at age 17 by landlord. Billy Badass and Billy Badass' Twin brother went into the army at age 18. He got out of the army in December So now I have this ungodly immature retired cannon fodder fucking up my nightly routines at home. In know all of you are thinking... oh, Alice you sexy thing don't let him bother you, he served his country... This guy drives me BONKERS! He always has his radio up so loud it shakes our living room floor, why so loud you ask? Because he has to hear his living room stereo from out in the garage where he is operating a god damn SKIL SAW! Haaa.... He brought his little dog too... acutally a REALLY big dog that will NOT stop barking at the cars or anything else for that matter that goes past our house. Last night as I was purusing through a magazine I heard this TONK TONK TONK of a hammer hitting metal... I waited for the voices to subside and retreat to the front of the dwelling... and there is a lovely green tarp hanging across the end corners of the fence. I figured he put it up for his dog since it was suppose to rain/sleet/snow in the next few days. Anyways I take MY dog out since finally he took is dog in to use the fenced in area... and to my surprise underneath the tarp is a dead gutted deer (this is 12:30 at night by the way) no wonder my dog went ape-shit and started gnawing on a hooved foot. Talking about scaring the shit out of a girl. Billy Badass came out after I had my near fatal heart attack when I came around to the front of the house to go inside and tell boy-toy what I saw.

Billy Badass's explanation of deer carcass? "I hit it in my eclipse earlier tonight when I came home from the bar... so, I decided to gut it to process it." "Hope it didn't scare you." "I was going to get a new car anyway, my check from the army should get here in a few days".

Alice's reply. "Wait till there is a horses head in your bed."

Exit stage left.

I swear to vishnu that I am getting a digital camera at some point to show you people pics of these things I speak of.

Here's Johnny!

2006-02-16T07:21:00.000-08:00

All work and NO play really does make Alice a dull girl.

Entertaining Pics

2006-01-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

I received the following pictures in an email today with the caption "last photos taken..."

Enjoy!

Entertaining Pics

2006-01-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

Entertaining Pics

2006-01-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Political Bovines

2006-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English..
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

On a Lighter Note

2006-01-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

I saw this on a blog somewhere and stupid me forgot to copy and paste the originator of this list. So, sorry if I couldn't/didn't give credit where credit is due!

My comments (of course I have to give them) is in the parenthesis.

Zan and Megan should be able to agree with a few of these!

If you grew up in Missouri like I did, some of this just might hit home.
Growing up in Missouri

1. You've never met any celebrities. (But Brad Pitt and John Goodman were born here)

2. Everyone you know has been on a "Float Trip,"

3. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags. (my family we to Silver Dollar City once in Branson... two words NEVER AGAIN)

4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. For example, "Well, Webb City's only 20 minutes away." (I honestly thought everyone did that)

6. Down south to you means Arkansas.

7. The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" only means one thing.

8. You know several people who have hit a deer. (Yeah, Several)

9. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end. (uh, disagree on that.. only the inbreeds do)

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. (‘Cause half the schools don’t have heat)

11. You know what "Party Cove" is. (Wanna get nude and party…. Go there) (sidenote an entire girls gone wild was taped there)

12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. (no AC in the schools either)

13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What High School did you go to?"

14. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. (the electric company loves you for it)

15. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." (eh, doesn’t make it smell any better though)

16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. (certainly do, do you?)

17. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals. (I plead the fifth)

18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of day.

19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" (I thought everyone that was American did)

21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. (or Beer)

22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should. (Yeah damn right you should)

25. You went to skating parties as a kid. (Every Saturday… and this was on roller skates not those silly inline skates)

26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. (or a raincoat and snowsuit combo)

28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports.

30. You think I-44 is spelled and pronounced "farty-far." (St. Louis only.)

31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.

32. You think that "deer season" is a National Holiday.

33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia, and Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City,
and the Warrenton Outlet Mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis.

34. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.

35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

36. You've said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity." (It is fucking true windchills make a difference in the winter and so does humidity in the summer).

37. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Football.

38. You know if another Missourian is from the Boot-heel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle or Western Missouri soon as they open their mouth.

39. You know that Harry S Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri.

40. You failed World Geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Paris, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri. (And they are!)

41. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. (Believe me it’s a son of a BITCH)

42. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL" means. (Good food, just gotta learn to DUCK)

43. You actually get this and forward it to all your Missouri
friends (Yes, yes I am)

It Just Keeps Getting Better

2006-01-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

In accordance with yesterday's National ID idea here is some more of BIG BROTHER WATCHING.

Bush the Yuppie Bastard and the Anit-Warrant

2006-01-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have 15 minutes to type this damn thing... otherwise I think Dusty will remove my head with a pic-axe for not doing what I promised.

So, let me get this straight. I will lay it down simple easy to follow steps.

A cop wants to bust a "bad guy".... cop needs a warrant... cop attains warrant via a judge... cop goes and searches "bad guys" house etc.

This is what having constitutional rights does. It allows people continue to have a right to privacy, but if needed through the proper channels we can search those properties.

Now, again in simple to follow steps.

Bush wants to bust terrorists... Bush bypasses warrant.... Bush eavesdrops on calls that may/may not have a damn thing to do with terrorists... Bush has caught no one.

Did I get that right? So, if you are President of the United States you have the ability now to use and abuse the constitution (that you are suppose to uphold) at will. Great. What is next Bush gets to eliminate the Supreme Court Justices so that he can sentence criminals how he sees fit?

Yeah, I understand why we should get rid of assholes trying to eliminate our country and the people in it. But do we need to allow assholes inside the country to eliminate the constitution that is the foundation of our entire country?

Do we cut our nose to spite our faces.

My opinion... NO!

Please... Give me yours.

National IDs

2006-01-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Have anyone out there heard of this? This is the first for me.

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING

The Saga of Lucretia MacEvil and the Psycho-Bitch

2006-01-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

Oh worthy blogging fans. A blast from your past readings and my past situations has been revisited. These include new characters and all new fun like knives, a mental institute, missing money, a cop, rehabilitation, a pair of pajamas, talking tv's, poisioning brother-in-laws, and cracks in the walls that declare wars.

To get yourselves psyched up for another fun filled adventure down the rabbit whole with your dear Fantastic Alice I would suggest catching up on the fun you have already missed.

Part One of Lucretia

Part Two of Lucretia

Part Three of Lucretia

Lucreita MacEvil-Henry’s girlfriend and mother of his child. She doesn’t work, she lives off the welfare system and she may have some serious jealousy issues. Possible crack-head.

Henry-Loser boyfriend of Lucretia who tells me that supposibly him and Lucretia are no longer together (but they do still shack up so they can get some wild monkey carnal sex thing going). He is also the son of Carl.

Psycho-Bitch-Wife of Carl. Step-mom of Henry and Lucretia’s main cohort. Also, the star of today’s story.

Carl-Father of Henry. Husband of Psycho-Bitch. Pretty good guy, wears his heart on his sleeve but doesn’t really ever seem to understand the extent of stupidity that he hangs around with (see above).

We open with a loud BANG

Alice: What the fuck was that?
Boy-Toy: Fuck if I know…
*Alice and Boy-toy go running outside of apartment to find the neighborhood Psycho-Bitch across the street throwing lamps, shoes, a small aluminum cabinet outside her front door screaming on top of her lungs*
Alice: What do you think is going on?
*Carl comes walking out of the house and starts up his van, then sees us watching and comes over to talk*
Boy-toy: Hey, what’s going on with your old lady tonight?
Carl: Oh, she just decided to take a butcher knife and cut her wrist… it isn’t anything major, she said that the cracks in the wall told her a war was about to happen and to prepare herself.
Alice: Huh? War of huh? Wait, What?
Carl: Yeah, she said that for months now the TV has told her that there is a war coming and now the cracks on the walls are tell her to prepare herself.
*Thunk* a arm chair comes out of the second story bathroom window*
Alice: For someone who just cut her wrist she seems pretty energetic.
Carl: Yeah, it was only a tiny scrape but she said she has to go to the hospital so that someone can see all the terrible things people are doing to her.
Boy-toy: what kind of things are you talking about?
Carl: Oh, she thinks that my brother has been putting arsenic in her food, little tiny orange crystals so she won’t eat a damn thing. Hasn’t eaten that I have seen for a week now, I know she is, she just won’t eat in front of anyone.
*We then here screaming of Psycho-Bitch waiving around pajama bottoms in the front window telling Carl not to go fucking boy-toy and myself or she was going to tell the police to arrest us.
*Carl screams back, well according to you I’m not even your husband and your kids have been replaced with robots now shut-up, stop throwing shit around and sling blood all over the place you stupid cunt.*
Alice: Um, maybe we should just go inside, besides, you have to take Ole’ Psycho-bitch to the hospital right?
Carl: Yeah, it’s her bright idea. She didn’t fill out her medicare paperwork so I will have to pay this out of pocket.
Boy-toy: You do know that if you take her to a hospital they are just going to end up admiting her to the psych-ward.
Carl: You think?
Alice: Yeah, and a lot faster, clearer, and better than she does. They are going to keep her for at least 96 hours.
Carl: Well, I had better round her up and we will see what happens.
****************************************
Monday Night Carl comes home very late sans Psycho-Bitch
****************************************
Tuesday Night
*Carl comes over to my house after talking to my boy-toy out on the street*
Alice: Hey Carl, care for a beer? *I was hoping he would so that I can find out the current dish on the Psycho-Bitch*
Carl: Sure, if I can take a shower first.
Boy-toy: Sure, come on over when you are done.
Carl: No, I mean over here…(he looked a little sheepish) The Psycho-bitch let the phone, electricity, and water get shut off today.
Alice: Wow, how the fuck did that happen? (Alice uses the word fuck a LOT)
Carl: Since the little incident with my wife, Lucretia, and you happened I had’t been staying at the house much…. Been over at my brothers but I had been giving her my checks so that she can pay rent and utlitlies. She kept the money and hasn’t paid anything in two months… including rent.
Alice: Boy that sucks monkey ass. Sure, you can come on over and take a shower. (anything to get the damn gossip.
*Carl eventually comes back over, takes a shower, and the three of us have a few beers before Carl begins giving us the real info about across the street*

*Now, bear in mind Carl, Carl’s brother (yeah, the one she thought was poisioning her), Carl’s sister, and Psycho-bitches two kids have all been trying for the last eight months to get her to go to a psychologist*
Here is a rough explantion of what happened:

After the initial Lucretia MacEvil fiasco here a couple of months ago both Carl and Henry split from the dwelling across the street to live with a myriad of people and homes so as not to confront the crazy woman that they had relations with. Apparently since then Lucretia has been living with her daddy an hour or two up north but has been making it a daily habit to call Psycho-Bitch and putting ideas in her head that Carl was fucking me, my boy-toy, the lovely young couple in the duplex next to me, and his co-worker. Needless to say Psycho-bitch thought this all to be true. Also, as everyone is beginning to find out Psycho-bitch has been hording money (that no one can actually find) because she hasn’t bought things in weeks. There are jars hidden under the bed with m & m’s color cooridinated in the different jars. Psycho-Bitch has been admitted to the mental ward for the next three weeks as well as having to go to 3 months of rehab in Kirksville. Evidently she had been spending money on drugs (apparently cocaine and meth) in order to hear the tv better. According to what Carl told us the doctors had told him she is a paranoid schizophrenic (uhhhh, derrrrr) and that the tv has been talking to her for years and that certain comercials have been telling her what happens outside the house with her family… that she was safer inside and that the tv would keep her uptodate with the goings on with the outside world. Also, the cracks in the walls evidently are able to breathe and they whisper to her constantly about wars and affairs and what people are doing to her and behind her back. She had also taken her son out of school for the last few months so that she could train him to listen to the subtle messages being received from the tv so that she could have him stand beside her when the war comes.

Sheesh, and I thought I had issues?

Carl is suppose to come over again tonight.... hoping to get more info... will keep you up to date!

Stay tuned for the continuation of part four. I promise it will be a doozie of a good time!

Aw nuts..I have been tagged..

2006-01-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Dusty tagged me last week to do this and I am finally getting my worthless ass around to doing it! It shall take the rest of the day to complete (ie. adding links etc.)but I hope you enjoy it.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was a sophmore in highschool at Francis Howell in Defiance, Missouri.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Living in the same little duplex with the same boy-toy working the same damn job.

Five snacks I enjoy:
1. Veggies (cucumbers, green peppers, broccoli, christ almighty I am freakin’ rabbit)
2. Fruits (apples at least 1 everyday)
3. Baby Ruths (those are one of my favorite candy bars)
4. Dark Chocolate (screw that milk Chocolate shit)
5. Saltines and Salsa (strange eh?)

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics: Who cares about songs, I know albums!
1. Anything by Led Zepplin
2. Anything by Pink Floyd
3. Anything by Tool
4. Anything by NIN
5. Anything by AC/DC, CCR, Fleetwood Mac, Sublime, Stabbing Westward etc. etc.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire: Only a million..geez
1. Buy my Mom and Dad their dream home anywhere they wanted (other than near me)
2. Pay my nieces and nephews colleges funds
3. 69 Dodge Charger-sassy grass green please!
4. Visit Ireland, Amsterdam, India, and Egypt
5.

Five bad habits:
1. Smoking cigs
2. Never doing anything for myself because I am to busy with #4
3. NEVER picking up after myself (I have gotten better over the years).
4. Fixing other people’s problems
5. Having a quick temper.

Five things I like doing:
1. Reading Reading Reading Reading Reading…
2. Having Sex.
3. Saying something so completely random to someone just for the look on their faces.
4. ROAD TRIP through the country
5. Going to antique malls and trying to find first editions!

Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:
1. I will never buy a wedding dress
2. In agreeance with Dusty dearest… spandex!
3. Gold Jewelry (I am a Platinum kinda girl thanks much)
4.
5.

Five favorite toys:
1. My personal library
2. My boy-toy
3. My cat Whimsey
4. My DVD player with 200 piece DVD collection
5. My blog

Ok...that's it! Now comes the fun part: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

afrindiemum
waitress dreams
Friday Fishwrap
Moments in Time
Down The Rabbit Hole

Granted you don’t have to do this, but remember I WILL come after you and hang you up by your toe nails upside down by a large oak tree and proceed to tar and feather you!

Megan
Paul
Scott
Rat
Zan
The Phoenix
September

Alright Folks, lets see what your answers are!

SUSHI 101

2006-01-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

I WILL CONVERT YOU!

I have added a new goal to my life… I will eat at every sushi bar in Missouri, then the midwest, then the entire United States. Yep, I think that is feasible.

As you may or may not know, I LOVE sushi. It is almost an addiction. My parents raised me on the stuff. I was always taken to hibachi grills as a child… The chefs new me by name and actually watched me grow from kindergarten and into college. Needless to say the chefs enjoyed serving the little blonde haired american girl all the raw fish she could eat because if the little girl could eat sushi so could the big bad business men with money. I was a hell of a sales gimmick for them.

Even now Zan and I go out for Sushi once a month. We try to get other co-workers to try it. It is insanely fun to get new people to go to a Sushi bar. But, as I have found out there are a lot of people who are just plain nervous, so I am making a SUSHI 101 comprehensive guide to sushi bars. Oh, Zan, Rick REALLY wants to go with us later this month... he dug it.

I have found this to be a helpful site.

Vocabulary:

bento boxes-remember the cafeteria trays in school… all the nifty little dividers that seperated your veggies from your chicken fingers and pudding? Bento boxes are exactly like that, it holds all of your food in separate little compartments.

So you're sitting at the table, and the waiter gives you your order along with some green paste, some thinly-sliced pink stuff, and a bottle of dark mysterious liquid. What is all this stuff?

nigiri(-zushi) -- pieces of raw fish over vinegared rice balls
sashimi -- raw fish (without rice)
wasabi -- Japanese horseradish-The green paste. Grown only in Japan, finely-grated wasabi is pungent and guaranteed to clear your sinuses. Because fresh wasabi is very expensive, cheaper powder and paste alternatives are often used. Many people mix some wasabi into their soy sauce, but this is only proper with sashimi and maki sushi. Even though wasabi is given for nigiri sushi, it is not supposed to be used. This really only holds true at the bar; feel free to use wasabi to suit your own tastes out of the chef's view. The most important thing to know about wasabi is that it is VERY HOT and VERY SPICY. Only use a tiny, tiny dab. But it is great fun to get a "newbie" to try the "green gum."
gari -- vinegared ginger-The thinly-sliced pink stuff. Used to freshen the mouth between bites of sushi, pickled ginger root comes in numerous small and incredibly thin slices. It is eaten with chopsticks (hashi) and essential for cleansing your palate between eating different types of sushi.
shOyu -- soy sauce-The bottle of dark mysterious liquid is essential to eating sushi. However, the sushi should not be soaked in soy sauce. The rice will fall apart, and the soy is meant to complement, not overwhelm, the flavor of the sushi. With your sushi will be a small dish where you can pour the soy Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. and use it for dipping. Pour as much as you think you will need, keeping in mind you can always add more. It is poor form to fill the dish like a wading pool.

OH, and if you SUSHI TASTES LIKE FISH... LEAVE... GOOD SUSHI NEVER EVER EVER HAS THAT FISHY SMELL... AT THAT POINT IT IS BEST IF YOU STEP AWAY FROM THE SUSHI!

My favorite Nigiri
Keep in mind a lot of Nigiri is actually cooked! Like the tako-it is steamed!
hotategai -- scallop
ika -- squid
ikura -- salmon roe
sake -- salmon
tako -- octopus

California Rolls are always a safe bet. They usually have avacado and crab meat rolled in rice and seaweed.

The standard protocol in America is to start a meal with miso soup, a clear broth with floating kelp and tofu. From there, your tastebuds will enjoy some assorted sashimi (the fish pieces without the rice). But first, place some wasabi in the soy dish. Be moderate; you are paying for the taste of the fish or topping, not the taste of the wasabi. Then it's time to move on to the sushi. While there is no specific order for eating the various kinds of sushi, the maki should be eaten first, since the crispness of the seaweed does not last long after touching the damp rice. Before the nigiri sushi is eaten, the soy dish should be changed. Unlike maki sushi and sashimi (which require chopsticks), nigiri sushi should be eaten with the hands. Grip the sushi from the top, then flip it so that the rice is on top. Dip only the topping into the soy sauce, and always place the sushi in the mouth so that the topping meets the tongue first. Most of all, remember that you're not eating hot dogs at the ballgame; sushi is far more expensive, and should be savored as a delicacy.

Wherever you go, try going for lunch. Most places will have a lunch sushi special that will include several pieces and a roll for $8 to $10. It's a good way to get your feet wet without spending a fortune. Try the Miso soup and a ginger salad for starters. The Gari and the ginger on the ginger salad are a kind of taste you have to learn to appreciate… as a kid I thought it tasted like lysol… it is an aquired taste ‘cause now I LOVE the stuff!

Want to impress the chef?
Always ask the chief what's good, and let him pick for you. This shows you respect the chief, and he in turn will respect you by giving you a good cut. It also wouldn't hurt to reply in a few japanese phrases.
Start with assorted sashimi, with wasabi in the soy dish. The chief will prepare a plate with veggies, which can be eaten along with the fish.
When done with the sashimi, ask for a change of soy dish. No wasabi should be placed in the dish, since wasabi is already between the rice and the fish. Now you're ready for sushi. Again, ask the chief for the picks of the day. He will look at your plate to see how well you are doing, rather than look at you for your next selection. It is considered 'better' to start with tamago or some other vegetable sushi, then open field to eat whatever you want, and close with sashimi.

I would recommend going to a sushi bar with a friend. If there is more than one sushi chef, try to sit near the one who looks to be the most senior chef (he will often be the chef at the far left side of the bar).

When you sit at the bar, a waitress will probably bring you an oshibori (hot towel which you use to wipe your hands and face) and ask you if you would like a drink. Sake is o.k. with sashimi, and is also o.k. before your sushi, but you should have beer or tea with your sushi (since the sake is made from rice, having it at the same time you are eating rice is thought to be redundant - kind of like ordering a side of bread to go with you sandwich). You can also order soup from the waitress. The only thing you ever order from the sushi chef is sushi and sashimi, everything else, including asking for the bill should go through the waitress.

When it comes time to order sushi, I strongly encourage you to tell your sushi chef that this is your first time out. Ask him to help you. They love this! One of my best experiences was my first time out when I did just that - we had a great time, learned a lot, and got a lot of sushi we didn't have to pay for too! If you go this route, you will probably be getting an order (2 pieces) at a time. When you sit at a sushi bar, it is better to place small orders often rather than one large order at the beginning (I think so anyway).
With your sushi you will get a small dish where you can put soy sauce for dipping. Use only a scant amount of soy sauce - as much as you think you will use up. It is better to err on the shy side - you can always add more. It is impolite to fill up the dish like a kiddie pool. Along with your sushi will also be some pink stuff called gari. This is pickled ginger, and is eaten with your chopsticks (hashi) to cleanse your palate between differnt kinds of sushi. There will also be a small mound of green paste. This is a strong horseradish called wasabe. Many people mix some of this into their soy sauce. Do this only if you are having sashimi. It is impolite to use it if you are eating sushi - and yes, I realize they gave it to you with your sushi, but it's still impolite. You see, the chef puts a little wasabe inbetween the rice and fish of your sushi. To then add wasabe to your soy sauce is basically telling the chef he doesn't know the proper amount of wasabe to use.

If you don’t know how to use chopsticks
To eat sushi, I would recommend using your fingers (use your hashi for sashimi). Pick up the sushi from the backside by reaching over the piece, and turning your hand upside down. Grasp the sushi between your thumb and middle finger, laying your middle finger along side of the sushi and not pinching too hard. Pick up the sushi so that the fish is now on the underside. Your thumb, middle finger, and fourth finger can be used to hold it together. Your index finger lays atop the rice. Dip the end of the sushi into the soy sauce - but only the fish part. Try not to get soy on the rice, it will fall apart. Then bring the sushi to your mouth, placing the fish side on your tongue (it's still upside down right?) and the bite it in half.
If you pick up something from your friends dish with your hashi you should turn them around and use the backend (i.e. not the end you ate from). Also, if your chef is doing a nice job for you, you can offer to buy him a drink, sake or beer. This is a nice thing to do, and help build your relationship.

Want to take a “newbie” to the bar?
I also agree...start slowly and sit at the sushi bar....it's very exciting for the newcomer. Let the Chef know that it is your friend's first time...get them involved. I find that most people like Tuna and Salmon sushi. At some point, work in eel....they'll think it sounds disgusting but tell them that it is cooked and not to worry about it. Usually, they like the sweet sauce and they are hooked. Also, if they like seaweed, order some handrolls...they'll think it's cool.

When I go to a sushi shop in an unknown territory, I always speak to the chef at the sushi bar in Japanese and ask what's good today. If he answers in Japanese my questions to my satisfaction, I eat sushi there. However, the chef does not understand my Japanese, then I always avoid such a place. I do not mean being biased, but I have to play safe. I do not want to eat sushi prepared by a chef who has never been raised with sushi in the past, but started a sushi shop because of its popularity. So far I have never been caught in surprise. Regarding the safety, sushi made of fresh fish caught in a temperate zone ocean is normally free of problematic parasites. Salmon is always salt cured and frozen first to kill parasites before it is used. Generally avoid any fresh water fish, e.g., carp that tend to have more serious parasites if you would like to prepare your own.

The best way to impress an itamae is to be inquisitive, honest, and interested in the food and dining experience. Ask him what he would recommend. You can throw him a few Japanese expressions that he may appreciate. A few are:

Arigato - Thank you. (Arigato Mr. Roboto-hehehe, couldn't help it Bruce)
Domo - Thank you, not as polite as arigato. Domo and arigato can be combined ("domo arigato") and then become a more polite form of thank you.
Domo arigato gozaimasu - A very polite form of thank you, said while engaged in an activity. One can also say "domo sumimasen."
Domo arigato gozaimasta - Another very polite form of thank you, said after the meal or activity has concluded.
Dozo - "Please."
Gochisou-sama deshita - "It was a feast!" (Traditionally said at the end of a meal)
Hai - "Yes."
Konichiwa - Literally "this day" but colloquially meaning "hello" or "good day."
Oishii - "Yummy" or "Delicious."
Okonomi - Ordering sushi a few pieces at a time.
Omakase - "Chef's choice" meaning whatever the chef would like to serve you.

Lots of people like to eat of each other's plates when experiencing death by sushi. When you pick something up from a friend's dish, make sure to turn the chopsticks around and use the backend, not the end you ate from.
A note on chopsticks: even if you are uncoordinated, you should try to use them. A fork and knife will seldom be found at a sushi bar, and even if they are, using them is akin to saying that the meat is tough. Do you want to insult the chef? Go with your hands if you have to. Some restaurants may have you finish the meal with a bowl of miso soup, rather than serving it at the beginning of your dining experience.

Do you all feel enlightened?

News of the Weird

2006-01-05T09:40:00.000-08:00

I love this column by Chuck Shepard. I have seen it in papers across the nation.